Photo's by Ine XIV

Let's have a Break

It's almost Christmas.
I am reminded by other's who are attentive, it wakes me up a little!

More and more I am becoming aware of there is no time,
but the time, we place onto nothingness,
or which is placed onto nothingness, when we don't have a say in things.

But still, there are some points, where more people at the same time
put their time on.
It was determined, but we keep on filling it in.

Christmas is such a thing. It is about new beginnings, a promise for...
something, which is about to happen, for new birth, for contemplation.
More people recognize it,
and therefore time becomes more filled with a sentiment and a happening.

Something to celebrate, but also its counterpart,
when there is nothing to
celebrate.
The togetherness vs. the aloneness.

We'll have it small. But the smallness is big.
We'll be away with our little family towards a beautiful space for some days.

Not with this family and not with that family, but with us.
Not very far away, but also not at home.

As a present for all the hard work, but also not long (time) away from work.
Reality calls.... , but reality is also there to be sometimes escaped.

Goals attained, but also still goals to reach.
We are free to go.... , but not fully freed, to go.
We are exactly in the middle of two counterparts, of which we know one,
but the other still yet to come.

Let's have a break of the everlasting circle of life with all its demands.
Let's have a stand still with whatever calls.
Let's have a little wonder at the awesomeness and the awfulness of life.
Let's have a break to see what is happening beyond us.
Let's have a break to look at the star, which announces New Birth.

I hope you all have wonderful days in whatever situation.
Let's see the good in things.
Let's enjoy it for a little pause.
Let's celebrate the New Birth of Goodness.

You deserved it!

Godaya

Photo's by Ine XIII

This photo, is sent (not made) by Ine. It is a photo, of a dancer, making one of his last moves.

It all Started with a Small Thing

Walking forward in....
Daily life.

Don't know where to start.
Don't know where to end.

I am pushed/forced into a room with a process.
I used to become quite aloud, cause nothing happened,
or it happened just before me, but I wanted to run away and not look at it.

This and that.
Right and wrong.
All kinds of theories.

Now, I accept, that we will always be pushed and forced in such a process,
and the dynamics tells you a bit where you are.

First the country side is nice, and then it is un-nice, and then nothing happens, so you are totally squeezed to the bone in the un-nice, and then something splits open, and then it is nicer again, because it couldn't be un-nicer and then it becomes too nice, so then it disappears, because it was never supposed to be nice.

Meanwhile everything happens to you.
It mostly seduces or hurts.
Almost nothing is real.

And the more stable you become qua vision or less vulnerable, while being vulnerable,
tells a little about you being small or big and the amount of light that shines through.

I am no longer .... happy or proud about this path.
The only thing I know and understand, is that it will never end, so you'd rather be happy.

And the more spiritual you are.... the more you will be hurt and astounded by real life.
This is, what life is, this is, how we function as people.
This is how you become as human being.
You condemn, while you also understand, that it cannot be different that it goes.

So let's celebrate small things! (birds flying away).
Say hello to the small things! (sunlight through the window).
Say hurray to the insignificant things! (nice dinner today).

Small things, make big things happen.
It all started with a small thing.

Godaya

To Godaya XII

Dear Godaya,

Whether you are a Yogi, a Muslim, or a Christian, it doesn't matter to God. Finally we all shall have to let go of it.

I received this morning a text in my mailbox of the Jesuit Frans van der Lugt. He lived 40 years in Syria in the midst of people who had different backgrounds. He created a space of peacefulness and mutual respect:

'Somewhere, in the deepest of your being-human -, where God might perhaps reside -, you feel that in general it is not essential if you are having full or dirty hands, but that you must try to accept, with effort and slowly, that your hands are empty, that you own nothing, that you can and must receive everything over and again and that you can only give when you receive. 

Only with empty hands you can really receive the other person, fill your hands with him, give him space in your arms, call his name and speak his language. Only with empty hands you can really give, and pass on, without the receiver feeling less, or feeling aggressive or having to be submissive'.

Thanks Godaya, that I can publish something every now and then.

Tonny. 

The Place where you Belong

Today, I visited a house.
It was a beautiful space, where the people offered me a place to give my yoga/meditation course.
It had a vibe, which reminded me of my own home, where I lived for many years
and which I left, once it was not my home anymore.
I felt welcome and I am gonna feel...

A while ago, I asked for a space somewhere else.
I was rejected, because one of the people, who worked there was teaching in the same area.
I was a bit astound, but couldn't find words...

It reminded me of a thing, long time ago.
I asked him: do you mind helping the same people as you do? Fishing in the same water?
He said: I don't know of any water (or something like that). He meant probably: there is no competition.

Feeling welcome is one of those themes that come and go in my life.
I work in soft groups: I feel welcome.
I work in artistic groups: I feel welcome.
I work in competitive groups: I don't feel welcome.
I work in harsh groups: I don't feel welcome.

All groups teach me something important about me.

The only place where you belong, is in yourself.
There is no other place, that....
It grants you comfort, welcomeness, but does it remain?
It causes you discomfort, unwelcomeness, but do you have to stay?

What feels like home for a while, feels like moving forward another while.
Nothing in the world of changefulness, remains.

I know that Buddha taught that.
Knew that.
But: there is a difference between reading a one liner on a calendar full of wise men.
And: feeling the cold shower, of the warm bath, that it used to be.

I guess that people, who struggle with welcomeness and unwelcomeness,
should understand, that there is no place like home.
I mean: 'no' place like home.
There is no such a place.
Or: there is no 'place' in general.
Time and place don't exist.

There are constellations, which make you feel like home or not.
You click in or not.
The function of them all is to nourish you and kick some ass, because you need to move forward.
Or to discomfort you, so that outside the comfort zone, you start to grow and deepen out as a person.

There is no such place where you belong,
but you.

Godaya

Photo's by Ine XII

To be Continued...

It's been a while since I wrote.
The reason why..?

I am going through different phases.
More glimpses of the real me come to surface.
They are quite fragile.
They also involve my work.

Since a week or something,
I am re-united with more happiness.
I say re-united, because I was always guided with a basic positivity.
A basic trust.

Then I lost it for some time.
I didn't recognise me in what I had become.
But now the positivity comes back,
from the inside out.

The heart opens really every once in a while.
Sometimes it closes and I keep it for myself.

In work a lot is changing. I guess in a month or more,
I am doing different stuff....
Little glimpses already show...
It's the same same, but then by far more authentic.

Since some time, I am fighting expectations of the outside world.
I don't want to be part of it.
But I know, that I will only find happiness and salvation,
when this outside world is included.

Feeling the natural flow, despite all the outside world expectations.
Trusting on a deeper walk of life, without instant reaction.

At this moment, I am more heading towards the Buddha,
than towards....I don't know if it is home. But it was a missing link.

To be Continued...

Godaya

Workshops

For Serious Request there will be two donation based workshops at Yoga Club Mijdrecht
at December 12th and December 13th. The donations will be offered totally to 'Het Rode Kruis'.

December 12th: Meditation, Mindfulness and Relaxation by Godaya at 10.30-12.00.
December 13th: Yin Yoga by Marloes Winkel at 12.30-14.00.

Hope to see you there. More information, visit my website: www.godaya.me

To Godaya XI

Dear Godaya,

For all people, who tend to give up,

Tonny:

From the Talmud

You can be the first note in a song,

so that all boundaries are gone,

don't be afraid

even if the note is false

You can be the first spark for a fire

which melts all weapons into ploughs

don't be afraid

even if you are wounded by the wind

You can be the first grain in the field

which will fill all hands with bread

don't be afraid

even if the land is full of rocks

You can be the first drop of a Source

which sings songs of life in the desert

don't be afraid

even when the cloud is still silent

You can be the first step for a dance

which leads all feet towards Him

don't be afraid

even if your foot is stumbling 

And then this...

When you have believed in people

which let you down: keep on believing.

When you hoped for a miracle,

which did not happen: keep on hoping.

When you wanted to leave a trace of love,

but were despised, even continue to love.

When you dreamed and then awaken,

keep on dreaming until the morning!

Ine's Book

Ine's book is worth seeing/buying. Over 365 pics and illustrations. See link
Godaya

http://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/let-the-picture-get-you-by-ine/15465http://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/let-the-picture-get-you-by-ine/15465

To Godaya X

 

Dear Godaya,

I am curious about you answer.
I don't like it that I visit your site to see it empty again.
Is that the case with more people? Being curious... or is it my dependency? of ...?
Do I wait too much for people? Waiting? Why do I wait? Is it because I don't wanna go? Is it, because I should go myself.... or is it time that others will follow me? That I show people what's inside of me?
That I don't identify with you, with someone else, but...go!?
Why does it scare me so much?
Not waiting for someone to follow. Go!? Saying 'yes' to whatever calls you.
It's so scary.

Tonny

 

Photo's by Ine XI

To Godaya IV

Dear Godaya,

I regularly watch your blog, but it keeps on being empty.

It is hard to see it empty, as you want it to be filled in. I also have the feeling that I shouldn't fill this.
I also don't know what to write.

Except for saying: 'I don't know'. Maybe therefore we got words to pray. As a ritual to not disappear in emptiness. Perhaps the church intended to introduce prayers, to not disappear, as a protection. I don't know.
They do indeed know it on television and in the papers.
They at least think so, as they talk a lot and the papers are fully filled with words.
I don't know if this makes any sense.

Godaya, how are you?

Tonny. 

Photo's by Ine X

Mindfulness in the Nonsense.

I guess it's a week later, same time (middle of the night), one week later, or is it two?
I am at another moment.

I don't know: why should I care?
Somehow, I managed to survive two weeks of work 7 days, with the double amount of hours.
Physically and mentally.
Luckily, you don't think about this in the middle of the process and just do it.

I am not happy. I am not unhappy. I just live and I do.
The intense intention, to do my stuff, which I had in the beginning (a sort of liberation),
now feels empty and just....like doing it.
The touch of peaches, the touch of winter, the touch of .... is without a touch.
Total disintegration. Even, if I would want to make something out of it, it's nothing.

The diet. It makes a huge impact on my life and that of my surroundings.
I say yes to something, which is quite easy, but hard in the effects.
As I am quite self-disciplined, it has a great impact on my body, but also on the people,
that are not me. And always having to deal with the question: 'why do you do it?',
which is almost inexplainable and just as hard to answer for me as to the other:
'I don't know'. Not being sure, doing the right thing. It's an experiment.

The meditation. I guess it is a blessing. But there isn't almost any moment to sit down
with myself. To sit with me. To do it. I have to make time in the no time.
We went through another course day. Doing a ko-an, which is meditation + answering
a deep unanswerable question. I went through images. Of going through Asia, of actually
being there, an urge, in the past time, as a monk. And then the future: of being me, the
old (76 years) version, being enlightened, no not enlightened, but literally falling together
with the greatest light available for people. Being in-human, as a human, being unable,
to connect with the people, because of the amount of light. The lightness of the light,
could not fall together with the darkness of the world. It was kind of lonely.

It seemed so real in meditation, but it was so unreal in real life,
where I am constantly wrestling with reality,
touching it, but not touching it, like a normal human being, trying to be more
vulnerable.
It was me, but it was not me. I was vulnerable, but the light made me invulnerable.
Both pictures were about 'feeling home'.
One literally with somewhere (a place) in time, one literally with out there (a light) out of time.

Did you know, I actually felt like home, home-sick, being unable to connect.
I could not connect, but the world was there.

When I left meditation, I was happy that normal life took over again.
The normal little stuff, with whom I got no intention at all.
The leaves falling from trees, the touch of peaches, the touch of autumn.
Mindfulness in the moment.
Mindfulness in the nonsense.
O, I feel so hungry....

Godaya

To Godaya VIII

Dear Godaya,

When it happens, the will is totally turned down. You fight it, as you really want to, but lose grip on everything. And the more you start to get a grip, the harder it gets. But you should not want it, and it also doesn't matter if you don't want it, as it  happens anyways. And why? What makes it happen? It seems as if this is also becoming something unknown. When you are caught in it, there is nothing you can do. You think that you act wrong, or that you are unworthy or do wrongly. The easiest things are inexplainable to you. 

In those cases I feel totally blank. It is horrible. Only... after the suffering, then, it is somehow possible to put it into words. But giving it a rightful explanation? Understanding it? No, that is not possible. It proceeds and improves along the way and then you also forget and don't think that it will ever happen again.

Why do I write this? Perhaps to support all those who are caught in such a thing. 

And perhaps to let someone somewhere know, that there is indeed someone out here, who....who really understands?

Tonny.

Photo's by Ine IX

This time she it's an illustration.

At this Moment

At this moment, I can't sleep.
It could be anything, everything.
Did you know that... we are reaching the 50.000 soon?
Oh my God, this is the old me.
She is dying.

My life is changing internally.
I mean, I wrote some blogs ago about many external changes.
Off course they help me change, but then the finishing touch.

When going deep towards the essence,
old habits still nag.
I am killing them internally.

It started some while ago.
From no work, I work now every day.
Not in the ordinary way, but in the morning and the eve's,
at the weekends,
meeting over more than 100 people a week.
I sometimes feel like a factory.
It's the people sometimes, that make it more than a factory.

Lately, I was feeling: something is missing here.
It was me, it was the love, it was the deepness and respect.
I had to fight the figures.
Although you wouldn't think so,
my work is a lot about physicality's and figures, while also going deep
as a side effect.
The real me is about deepness per se, with a physicality as a side effect.
Things turned upside down.
And then there are moment, who totally hit the coin!
(or touch the essence).

No, I am too un-nice about it all. I guess, I still help people,
as the reactions of people help me to understand,
that there is a reason for people to find it really.
'It', not me. It might mean 'me', but I shouldn't know,
as at the same time life is showing me, to un-me, the me.
I cannot and may not identify with what I am doing,
he says. Total disintegration.
It is all about it.

So the effect is at this moment, I run for others, who need me,
to do it.
I am a face, a body, with a Soul, who can do it,
and I can be replaced by others,
who also can do it.

While letting go of the me into the it,
there are more subtle processes, killing the me internally.

It started with serious meditation.
While following this teacher course as a way to score points
for teacher training registration,
I also saw it as a step towards more privacy.
The three of us are living a sort of symbiosis, with a lack of living space,
while also living our own lives.

So I started to meditate every day. This changes internally.
I started to understand, I am too strict and tense with me, always!
There can't be love in such a case. I need to build up the self-love.

But also build up the positivity...., always being angry when results weren't met,
but never satisfied, when results were met indeed.
What is a result? It is a way to keep you sharp, which is in a way
fertile for the lazy mind, but it is not the way, nor the essence.
But it is necessary, if you want to earn the bread.

Then I felt, I needed to grow further into the yoga.
While thinking I needed a leap physically,
I heard in Nijmegen, it was mentally (not physically), while
my mind still thinks, it must be done so physically (strict again),
so I started to visit ... again,
about whom I wrote in Who renses along?
I sometimes talk, to hear me saying things.

New aspects are starting to come to the surface.

Then my bf started to present another spiritual path to open,
to become more close again.
As all was swallowed by parenthood, there should be more
of 'us' again, instead of the daily buzz and parenting.
A new adventure starts.

As I am physically put on a path, and do work-outs twice, three or four
times a day, professionally, I started to feel that my food is not
substantial enough, to keep me nourished and empowered sufficiently.
So there starts a new food revolution, which is kind of radical,
and makes me see things quite differently.
I am investigating seriously a diet without carbohydrates and sugars,
while also being a veggie. This is rather substantial. I wonder if....

The latest two are just on their way.
But with radical stuff, it never works out small.
The impact is rather big and seems to be life changing.

It is not that the paths are precisely 'the thing to Do'.
G Would say: Look at the sun, listen to the wind, have a walk.
See, I forget these things, caught up by everything and recovering.

But sometimes you need paths, (in a former life I would say projects),
to discipline and kill the mind.
At this moment all paths come at the same time,
while the outside world is testing me.

I am finding true happiness, beyond suffering.
No, I am seeking true happiness, beyond suffering.

At this moment I am really a seeker,
beyond the many seekers,
with their mini-revolutions.
But is necessary, to make the next internal leap.

If it weren't for G, still at my side, seeking along,
I guess, I then would say, I am lost.
But I guess, in a way, I found it.
I have to undo the part, which is the un-love.
I guess in a way, I am finding the love.
Not in the paths. But in the processes of undoing the me.

This text could be called so many other one-liners,
but it is called 'at this moment'.

Godaya

Pioneering

I am on a new road.

The road is still bumpy, but at the same time, it is changing slowly for the better.

We are not there yet, but it is a good thing to trust on time.

Time getting you there.

Last week, I asked: is it a good idea to meet the Iceman again? 

The last time, I did this, was seven years ago. Swimming under the ice, really enhanced my resistance. It opened up a power, which made me not being ill for years.

Right now f.e. I am sometimes providing hot yoga, which means providing the class in 30-40 degrees. It seems to be good for bloodcirculation and inner wounds. But, on the other hand, the heat is making the body really slow and dull. I guess it is not really good for the immune system and health defence.

His answer was: that is the old you. Wanting to be invulnerable..., why not accept the way you are, why not accept being ill?

That is a way to look at it. I was warned not to swallow in it (being too ill), but also not being too strong for it (health defence and immune system). I had to learn to accept it, while working hard.

Lately, I am opening more up, showing my more vulnerable side. 

I used to do this, through expression and writing, but it was not with the knowledge that I did so. I didn't even know, that by writing all down, I was vulnerable. I was not busy at all with what people might think about...., when opening up. 

But now there almost doesn't seem to be another way: by living closer to the truth and to my truth, life becomes more easy and out of one piece. It doesn't mean that there are no difficulties, but it makes difficulties easier to cope with. 

Also I now listen more to: 'what do you need?', as mostly my habits and behaviour were an excuse to not listen to what I needed. Instead of that I started to give and change, instead of to accept...

This column is called pioneering. Every day, I am open for more work. So there was a vacancy as a journalist for a pioneering magazine. To prove my writing skills, I had to send in some work. I don't send older work, because that is not me any more. But I also had to explain, why I thought I was a pioneer. Normally, I used to be quite inspired to plead myself being a pioneer. F.e. being one of the first women to join the iceman under the ice. This is what pioneering is about, nowadays. 

The 'oohs and the aahs'.

But that is not who I am. So I wrote:

I am pioneer in vulnerability.

But let's not make it into a thing.

Be vulnerable.

Godaya 

To Godaya VII

I wanted to write Him, but what to write about?

He said I had to breathe through. I can't and I don't want to.

Leaving him, getting to him and what's the change?

I wake up again, sadly.

I open my tablet and see a picture of three beautiful people, my children.

I almost succeeded myself to put the photo as a background on the tablet. My husband helped me with the finishing touch.

Three young people, who look at me.

Breathe through, He says.

Yesterday morning, on my way to work on my bicycle I bump into the mother,

who buried her son of 18 years old last week.

Breathe through, H says.

Please help me, I write.

Tonny.

Photos by Ine VIII

Everyone got his Own Life.

These weeks are swallowing me...., that I sometimes forget to write.
I even didn't contemplate on my trip to Nijmegen.

Two days ago, I finally got to the point where I acknowledged to be stressed.
I was coping with a cold for about 2 months, and the person of the vitamin store
asked me, if I had some stress by any means.
As I am teaching people to un-stress, the thought didn't even slipped my mind.
But some days ago, I started to realise.... it could be that....

In a nutshell: In these last two and a half years, I lost my husband by someone else,
I was kicked out of my house, and without any income, I succeeded to find another
house. I was applying for jobs for 1 year. Then I found something in cleaning. This is
not enough to make a living. Somehow I succeeded, with the help of....
I then found a new boyfriend. His parents died in that one year with the whole family stuff
included. I got pregnant, while being in the death-processes.
I moved to the Landscape where in the first year no one was my friend and some people even
my enemy. I lost my flexibility and control over my body,
when I wanted to pick up the yoga again. I moved to my Hometown,
as this was the only job that succeeded. We lived apart as a family, because we needed to
earn the coins. The birth totally shook my out of my center. It took me half a year to find
me, when also taking care of the little one in the best way we could. On the meantime, there
were people in our close environment, who needed much help/to be saved, really really - again-, which took lots of our energy, while also drowning ourselves.
Then I moved back to the Landscape, to at least function as a unit, unemployed again.
Someone in the related family committed suicide. I was really fighting depressions, without
knowing why.
There was the rent of the office for one year, while at the same time not sitting there for more
than a few times, while also applying for jobs somewhere else, to pay the rent instead of buying food. And in the end....
All went very well with the little one, and after being more than one year unemployed, finally
recovering in the body and building up yoga hours. These hours needed and need to proved,
and earned. My mum and dead being very much of a help, since that our little one is
on this planet. They went off finally to make their dream true in Antartica.
Little things, like daily applying take lots of energy. Input, no output. Input, waiting. Input, hope.
Hope lost. Little steps forward. Little steps backward. Working hard with a small amount
of people and a small amount of money. Growing to a great amount of people. Forward, backward.
The stress...

No, there is not the romantic yoga idea. Not the romantic yoga religion. There is just earning
the coins and the reduction of stress....I guess. As I was/am always in the survival modus.

But, getting slowly out of the survival modus, there is also another way to look at things:
'We are heading in the good direction!'
'We made it so far'.
'We are more one family'.
'From 0 hours to more hours'.
'From small groups to bigger groups'.
'Becoming really a mother and a father'.
'Doing the work, that suits you'.
'My parents, as little kids on an adventure to the other side of the world'.
'Doing almost everything out of own effort and inner power'.
'Scooter finally sold!'
'Lots of help during these difficult months'.
'More yet to come - these two weeks I am going to double the amount of group hours - hope I can make/realise it physically'.

There is the stressed way and the un-stressed way to look at the same thing.
The enlightened one is the last one.
It is sometimes hard for outsiders to understand the first one,
when all is going well, the stress modus seems to be so unnecessary.
When all is going wrong, there is no second way to look at things.
There is no room and time to waste. There is just the drowning and the surviving.

I guess it also has to do with the human brain. When one light is switched on,
the other light is switched off.
Enlightenment in that sense is also a sort of hypocrisy:
it is looking and judging over the same thing, when all is safe in the own life.
It almost seems to be arrogant to do so.
I don't know which world is real. I only know that one light shifts to another light,
when time is ready and not before. Then there is more room for retrospection.
That is why I learn now, how hard it is, to judge over other people's situations.
The only thing you can give is 'room', instead of words.
You are not in the same position, when you do so, so it really is easy to make an
idea about it, but it is almost impossible to make the real idea about it.

Everyone got his own life.

I still didn't evaluate all that was spoken about at Nijmegen session.
It doesn't matter.

The only thing I recall is that I was with my eyes closed in the end, caught up in a healing,
while the little one was flirting with Rens.
The last one was so amused, that he was laughing all the time, upright and aloud.
All 3 in the room, had the greatest time, when I was in the same time, caught up in another
room, closer to the Source, not laughing along.

The last three sessions, there is (for the first time) contentment from the last one, towards me,
about the path, the result and spiritual reality. According to him: I am coping the great violence,
pushed against me all the time, by becoming small and vulnerable.

The old way = harsh and tough.
The New way = tender and soft through the great violence, which unfortunately is my way to go.

Photo's by Ine VII

True World

Going deeper into Advaita, which means: being with-what-is, and undoing illusion,
I still find it hard to tell, what-is, and what isn't.

Lately I am travelling through all kind of worlds: real worlds and unreal worlds.
But both are. They are probably both not true, but....

Maybe one shouldn't understand. When f.e. travelling through a world full of ego,
one could say: 'this is a world full of ego, so this is an untrue world'.

But, at the same time: it happens, it is, and every now and then we are placed in the middle
of it. It ain't comfortable, but is it therefore not true, less true?

People, who are spiritually advanced, would say: it is less true and I stay away
from this world. But: how to stay away from it, when at the same time, partaking in
life as it is?

Then maybe the situation is as it is, 'full of ego' and at the same time, the judgement
'full of ego' should dissolve? Or is there a right nuance?

I am going through different worlds during a week, where all kinds of situations
are easily labelled by people. I see them as a landscape, passing by.

As they come and go, you could say: they are all subject to change and therefore
untrue. But at the same time, while passing by, it is my world. It is the truth what I
have to deal with?

Fully denunciating this world, is not an option, as reality shows: you have to fight
for an existence. Non-existence is not an option, as it means falling down.

So going deeper into Advaita might be an option, but the option is 'flat'. It is too
mathematical, with some possibility to become round, when there is more acceptance
for what is.

But then still: some worlds don't go together. They can not 'be' in the same existence.
I don't know if you ever went through such a thing: but truth also shows consequences.
It sometimes means that choosing one thing, naturally means not choosing the other thing.

This sounds very logical, like an open book, but what if you wanna chose both, but
they don't go together: then the truth will tell at some point: this doesn't go together,
even if you stretched out your mental/physical reality.

The truth has consequences. It is not really a judgement, that this is so. So if you chose
one thing, and then other disappears with all consequences: it is not a judgement, but
it is a choice with a certain effect.

Fortunately, we don't know the effects on beforehand. It is something chemical,
where a bigger truth takes place. We can observe them, play a role in it, but must
not be of importance.

We are not important. We just unroll our paths and then some effects follow.

Chose wisely from the heart,
but not as a way to get anywhere.
Go nowhere and then wisdom follows.

Godaya

The I is the Surpr'I'se.

One week towards Nijmegen,
things have changed.
It was about 3,5 months ago.
I don't understand still where I am going.
I only understand it a little when I recall the past.
Then I see so much has happened, but when I would look
at the moment myself, I wouldn't know.

When I don't see my baby-boy-toddler-in-a-sense for just
two days, he has tremendously changed, just by being him,
travelling through time. The same it is with us.
But the difference is that as an adult there is some consciousness,
which recalls the past, but a little one is not busy with that kind of stuff.
The directness of Being.

I am more advaita, which means: being one-with-time.
Not running ahead out of need, not staying behind out of fear.
I am just going, as life moves me from this to that,
showing me what it will become.

From being pregnant and alone, I saw many people click in
privately and then I saw many people click in professionally.
I still have the feeling that more people will click in professionally,
it is a sort of urge. But also the Zen-when-it-doesn't happen is useful.

I arrived to the part, where it is finally all about 'me', but who am I?
I am getting there, more and more, which also had to do with letting
go of the inauthentic 'I am going to do this and that' part, which ran
in front of me. I did everything, and got nowhere, than where I was,
getting somewhere and running away from who I was.

I am probably the ice-cap on Antartica, which is melting into water.
Finally soft and tender, after being hard.
At the same time soft doesn't mean softy.
I am not to be messed around with and learned to take my place and
to stand my ground with the pressure of others.
The I is what becomes when going. The I is squeezed out of that interaction.

The I is the Surpr'I'se.

Godaya

Truth is without any Image.

I am living a lie, and at the same time, I live my truth.
There is a doubleness within me, at the same time: there is doubleness in everyone.

Becoming more out of one piece, means, un-veiling illusion.
It means, adaption to what is not, while also knowing this is necessary to undo.

Right now there is more acceptation towards both worlds.
To both me's, as there can't be love without people, there can't be G without both worlds.

What I at least try most: is to mean, whatever I do or say, even when this means,
living a lie. At least, I believe the lie I live, until the illusion is un-veiled.

Innocence, I am starting to understand the deepness of the word. It actually means,
being nothing, being no one, being blank, and at the same time Be-ing.

Be-ing is not possible without the world of people. It is thanks to this, that it comes
into being. That it can Be. So thank you people.

This night, I dreamed of someone drawing cartoons, to explain the process of Vivication in an innovative way. It was exposed in some sort of museum.

Sometimes, things, which can't be really told or understood in words, get an extra understanding
through images.

My reaction was manifold. 1. 'Good explanation!'. 2. 'Doesn't make sense, as the unexplainable
can't be explained to a normal living person. 3. Shamefulness for the process and that it takes place in general. Wanting to keep it a secret. 4. Beyond the phase of explaining. 5. Un-cool for my Facebook identity. 6. Un-acceptable for my yoga identity.

This was just a dream. Dreams per se, are already images, interpretation of the subconscious world. They are often not real. But then, reactions on a dream, what are they?

They un-veil the illusion of the illusion.

Would the world be a better place without the process of Vivication?
I am not going to explain this process.

I am not sure, as we travel always in the in between phase, where there are only the effects, without the totality of its destination. I guess we are not to see its result, even if we suffered a lot for it. I guess we only can see glimpses every now and then.

Today, I walked through the Rijksmuseum. I had to think back about a remark of a passed away friend, who I interviewed for a Magazine. He said, that the process would finally end in hundreds of years. In other words: that we never would live the results of it.

At the same time the promise many times, that I would see the results of it in this life indeed.
Yeah right. I guess, that the process is like this: when I see it, I guess, I probably don't see it. I live it and consider it the most normal thing in the world. I must say, that life is becoming more normal indeed. At the same time, the outside world, gets rather abnormal as a consequence.

I am normal.
The others are not really.
It doesn't matter.
As long as there is a difference, there is....

Then, still in my idealistic mood, I didn't want to see it this way (so long). But what if it were true? Then of what relevance is it, to walk this path, while at the same time, we are only living the effects, but not the result?

Reality = un-changeable. This doesn't mean that reality doesn't change. But it means, that even when we don't see the relevance of it, it still happens, because we have no say in this. The truth determines, not we.

I walked through the Rijksmuseum and I saw all kinds of history passing by. Things that were so well kept and preserved. It is so weird to realise that this same history will be told in a different way to my son, once he goes to school. He will learn things about places and people, that are totally unfamiliar. He'll learn it as an image and a truth. But image ain't truth. Truth is without any image.

It is so weird to see history, today and future coming together in the same time-space.

Godaya

Photo's by Ine VI

To Godaya VI

Dear Godaya,

I see as if you wrote a blank space. The blank space is....God, is of God.

And now you fill it with colour, you live and slowly fill up the space. People fill you with colour. Make it visible. That is how God becomes visible in this world.

In your world, it works the other way around. As if you have to live through the pain of His consciousness process.

I don't know if my words are correctly chosen. But the blank space is. That I see.

Yesterday there were 5 people in church and the choir. If you know how I suffered on my way towards that moment. If you know how my body suffered.

I don't understand anything of it.

Maybe it is the other way around. God Will See Him in the blank space.

And you, we, are His fuel.

Tonny.

Let's Stop it!

Today, I followed the first day of the meditation teacher course.
It is something, which I have to do for registration as a yoga teacher.

I used to be against this stuff. (Registration). And during time it changed.
More and more I start to learn, that there are no good decisions, nor bad ones.
Yes, off course there are, when you go totally against the flow, but what I mean
is that the intention behind a choice, might differ during time.

Things get a different meaning during time, it changes through inner changes,
through seasons, through life experience.

I used to be in my mid twenties, while following theses kind of courses.
I always was one of the youngest of the group. Now I am exactly 'average'.
There are younger and older people.

Registration for now is a token, that I take my job seriously. I used to send out
the yoga quite solitary, not communicating with the yoga world. I used the outside
world as an excuse and only wanted to listen to my inner wisdom.

At the same time this inner wisdom was filled with unconscious prejudices.
So once you filter these out and look at the same thing again, things might change.

What I learn in this course is to have no absolute image. G already was scholing me this.
I have to be quite blank, and as far as there is any prejudice, colour, idea, meaning,
ideal, I don't have to see this absolute. It changes, and therefore it isn't true?

How then, if this is not it, and that is not it, and nothing is it, follow your exact intuition,
when the forces drive you into the outside world? Maybe there is no right answer.

Maybe the cited verse by Tonny in the Go Dao, was indeed right. Maybe following it,
is not because of the goal, but because of what it does to you during your way.

How come, that I write these things, from a sort of inner wisdom, but don't listen
to my inner wisdom? So, I proclaim my inner wisdom, but I do not follow it myself?
I wrote it from not knowing and as a consequence, I learn to know it, because someone
else is citing it to me.

One of the reasons, I guess, I am in the meditation class, is to get to new insights, where
I don't come, when someone else is not citing it to me. The other is no longer a guru, or
an ideal person. But it is the representation of the outside world, making me understand
myself better.

One of the insights today was: Deep in my cells, I am still trying to prove me. Trying to
do my best. Trying to be the best. Trying to be something or someone. 'This' deeply ingrained
pattern causes adrenaline, esp. when you need a job for a living (for yourself and your loved ones).
This adrenaline causes you to be not yourself.

Then, who am I? I am me, when I stop doing that.
But how to stop such a thing, when the pattern started to build up for the longest time of
my life?

I guess, I hope that I am dying it.
When I stop doing my best in an anxious way,
I am a rather nice person.

Let's stop it!

Godaya

Photos by Ine V

The Ultimate Surrender.

I feel...

a lot.

I guess that the deeper sophistication is an urge on one hand, but also a necessity on the other hand.

This year went through ups and downs.
I already talk about this year, like it is new years eve in a retrospective.

I want to be there, in the retrospective,
because I feel resistance in the prospective.

I have made some jumps forward, but I also see my vulnerability.
It is not back warding, but ... awareness of....

I guess I am a good, responsible and loveable mother.
I tend to work, at least, I am getting there, although it opens a deep impact on me.

There is the 'can do'.
But there is also the 'can do' while there is necessity, outside expectations, and needing to succeed.
It doesn't have to do so much with the 'I' anymore.
It has to do with being an autonomous supporting mother and wife.

There is also the 'can't do'.
There is the perfect timing and the bad timing.

There is me in my little car racing daily from here to there.
I cannot almost imagine that I was afraid to drive a car one or two years ago.
Now I don't know what I would do without one.
In my car, there is a moment of silence, without any boundaries.

This year we have been very much helped, esp. by my family.
I wouldn't know what to do without them.

There comes a time, it's coming, it's getting there,
that I am put more into my own.

On one hand this happens through the fact, I need to work and need to be sufficiently functioning.
On the other hand this happens through the fact, that M also does.
We are more put on separate tracks.

And there is my parents, which leave for Antartica in a few weeks for a month.
Full radio silence.
My sisters fly in, and then they leave for the States again.
They are going to celebrate christmas together.
Should we be there, or should we not?

When you are in the middle of survival, these questions are irrelevant.

I'll be put more onto my own for the coming time.
There is an urge, but also a necessity.
I don't want it.
I have to accept it.

It is about building up enough strength, to make a living on my own, for my loved ones,
without the deep bedding, by which I was supported over this year....

Let's trust on time.
Let's trust on the fact that time walks hand in hand with what to handle or not to handle.
Let's trust on growth.
Let's trust on growth, which only can get bigger and go forward.
Let's trust on intuition.
Let's trust on intuition, leading me where I should be.
Let's trust on my legs and feet, rooted deeply into the ground.
Let's trust on the welcomeness, wherever I go.
Let's trust on endlessness, and that in the end it doesn't matter,
as long as I go.

Maybe trust is not so much about trusting something, or someone.
Trust is perhaps the ultimate surrender.

I need to walk forward.
I need to keep on going.
Let's not back off this time.
Godaya

To Godaya V

Dear Godaya,

I open Go Dao (= book-oracle of Go Dao) at page 146 and I read: '...investigate what feeds your Soul essentially and what harms your Soul essentially. And investigate, why it is sometimes hard to get rid of something, which is obviously harmful for you. Sometimes G. Interferes to set you apart from this'.

And then the text: Even simpeler: ...'Purity appears, when there is more room for just Being'.
I don't know, or do I? Am I providing too little space for just Being?
Must I just stop preparing the church celebrations?
Okay, let's ask the oracle: Shall I let go of it? Does it take too much of my energy?

The number 21 pops up in my head, so I open the Go Dao oracle.
Shall I open page 21, or Go Dao verse 21?
Let's do Go Dao verse 21.

'Unknown light.
Does it make sense to follow or to find something, which is unknown, unseen or unattainable?
Yes indeed.
Especially following that path makes sense.
Not, because you shall find, know, see or attain it.
Especially not that.
It makes sense, as everything comes to light along the way'.

Along the way, my God, it is so hard to not 'find, know, see or attain!'.

Tonny.

Go Dao is available as a book oracle at the website www.godaya.me

Photo's by Ine IV

Deeper Sophistication

Today I woke up and I realised: I need more deepness.

The need comes from the inside out.

For a long time, the urge was about survival.
We needed to survive. It was necessary to make the outside world important.
I ignored the outside world for quite some while, as when having a baby, there is
a universe in a universe.

But then the outside world became important,
as we needed to survive. This took all of our energy and lust for life away.
Daily we were obsessed with work, getting to work, enough work,
feeling guilty about not working, feeling guilty about not working enough,
feeling guilty of.....

Then more work came along. There was a broader scope. Instead of speaking
to almost no one, I started to speak to everyone. At this moment I lead about
8 groups a week and keep on building out.

Then sometimes the 'Being' dropped in. Someone was sent on my path, technically,
who wanted to work deeper. This was the only deeper connection on the inside and
on the outside to feel again clicking in a great unknown world, which is beyond us.

No longer do I need any assistance before, during or after healing. It works directly
through me. But the moment comes, when it comes. I don't do anything, except for
being where I should be.

Then, the broad side of work. Off course it needs to become even broader, as
the working forms a strong antidote for all kinds of powers. Working helps
the Being overcome the non-Being, not only for me, but for others as well.

But now, I have reached a point, where I want to go deeper. I need a deeper sophistication,
where the outside world becomes supporting, but less important.

I don't know how to get there.
But I probably will, because otherwise, I didn't notice it before.

I provide yoga every day, but the stories which originate through or after it,
are the ones that count. Then live begins. And then I start to get interested in more.

This week I'll start to follow a teacher training in Meditation (Mindfulness, Vipassana,
Samsara and Zazen). It is something obligatory to follow to be registrated. I don't know
if it will make me go deeper. At the same time, the power of the group, will set things
into motion and probably awaken new stuff.

Then again.... did you know that my adsense experiment (the advertisements)
at my blog until now provided me 1 euro and 44 cents?

I guess that I am the cheapest channel for people to advertise.
I prostituted myself for 1 euro and 44 cents.

I guess that G and advertisement don't really go together.
Off course, I knew this at the beginning.
But at the same time, when one is surviving, all the normal outworld stuff
'is going on'. There is a subconscious layer doing this and that.

What if the normal world doesn't work?
Then you need a deeper sophistication.

Godaya

Simpleness of Being

New Things are happening with the energy.

I kind of get to understand what is meant by Being.
It is really something technical.
Am I a machine?
While I am also something emotional.

I am like a puzzle piece.
People click in.
People click out.

I am like a mirror point, for different lives,
who don't know about each other.

Two days ago, at the exact same time,
two different grandmothers, which I didn't know,
and who didn't know each other,
decided to knit some woollen socks for the little one.

The three of us are starting to live more separate lives,
while also being a family.
Getting stronger every day.
The enhancement of energy by strength.
The enlargement of the energy field by interaction with the outside world.

The simpleness of Being.
As I was always very busy with finding work,
I now have to get back to simpleness and really enjoy
my spare time as a mum.

Enjoying the sun and scrubbing the sink.
Fitting the new socks, to him, who is not a baby any more.

What is exactly the name or the middle point between
a baby and a toddler?
What is it, when you have to fold your child into this hamburger position,
to still keep it in your arms?
What, when you hold your baby-toddler close to you, and
he is a head-long above you?
What is it, when all the clothes don't fit any more?

I guess it is time passing by.
All keeps on growing. Fortunately.

Godaya

Photos by Ine III

That is what Neighbours do.

Sometimes it's too busy to find some time to write.
When there is too much time, the only thing I did was to write.

At this moment I am working hard and try to integrate the new life (work and child)
into the old life. (not work and child).

I cannot hardly imagine that I was just visiting an opening of a shop in my street.
I went there alone with the little one. Just being in the neighbourhood.

Walking around and Chit-Chatting with all kinds of people, until I went home.
Of course also grasping some little snacks for the celebration.
It is not only work and child. It is also work and child and neighbourhood.

I am a neighbour. That is what neighbours do.
They fill up the neighbourhood,
chit-chatting about the neighbourhood.
What's new? And Stuff.

It's been a year ago, since I started to live here.
So much has happened since then!
I guess that integration takes time.
I guess that one year is not so much time for this.
I guess that in the end, all went so bloody fast.
While it felt for a long time, that nothing was happening at all.

Godaya

Photos by Ine II

Tomorrow is going to be Hot.

Sometimes, when I write something, things turn around.
That is not the aim, but it is - obviously - sometimes the effect.

At this moment, the yoga opens more and more.
I am glad to feel that I am finally ... 'something'...,
as for years I was a plumber without tools, an ice skater
without ice, a healer without a magic stick.... I was clumping
around. This year, I have worked in quite some different
functions, finding out, I was not.

Through experience and work I know now, that it is
'just work' with good days and bad days. One has to go
to work. Loving your work is 'overly-done', but at least
I can finally say:
something is fitting me.

I am no longer an office manager applying for a job
as a headhunter, or a fireman, blushing an ice-cake....

No, I guess I could say: I am a Yogi! Religiously, practically,
authentically and hopefully finally....

Yesterday, there were two closures: I didn't know that
I functioned as a closure, but it felt a little like that.
The last beed of the necklace.
Not to be 'someone', but functionally seen in time:

One group was closed earlier: I have to study as a yoga teacher
to be part of the Dutch Yoga Teacher Society. So I subscribed
for a meditation teacher training (Za Zen, Samsara and Vipassana)
to follow. Then I heard that the group was closed already, fully
booked. I left it to providence.

Also I had applied at a New Yoga Center in the Landscape.
For some time this was also fully scheduled. I left it up to providence.

But then yesterday, I got the news of both, that there was
a place provided.
And also I heard the news that I got yoga hours,
which double my amount of weekly
classes. Just after both became finalised, a gesture of both was
made, so that it really felt like a closure (functional). Like it
was already meant to be so.

I mean: I didn't knew, but Providence did.
Well, thank you Providence.

Whatever, let's not romanticise the whole thing....
We do it for the bread, as the breastfeeding is also slowly
coming to a closure....to a bread.
Breast ->  Bread.
It is just work....

But it also feels like a deep relieve, that 11 years of working,
applying and trying this and trying that and figuring out that nothing fits
(for years), is finally coming to a closure. Let's hope so.

I guess it also has to do with time. Eleven years ago, yoga wasn't
so 'hot'. - it by then was not really a 'job'.

Tomorrow,
I have to teach a class in a heated cabine.
It's going to be a hot day.

My weekly yoga schedule will be published on my website:
www.godaya.me

Godaya

Stop throwing Stones.

Besides that all people represent themselves, they also represent something deeper,

at a bigger scale within the system.

We all have a message to bring, which is beyond our knowing.

This is something totally different than 'what we think it is'.

It could be that someone is 'acting like it is my wish to better this world',

while at a deeper layer something opposing is brought into this world.

What is there behind the message?

Or that someone is telling a sad story,

but at the same time you feel better through his/her presence.

It is all operating very unconscious.

It is a little bit like the weather.

In the beginning you almost don't notice it.

After a while you start noticing it, 

but you cannot change it, - the weather -, 

you have to go through it and see if you are still standing straight.

It is life to encounter this and that.  

This standing straight is weird and so not the old kind of way.

Because, when you stand straight, how to be of help to another person?

In the beginning you only feel guilt: I should help.... but at the same time, 

the water flows differently. Or: I should help.... but at the same time,

I am rooted into the earth and cannot walk, as I am a tree standing still.

One has to find me first.

This passiveness, it is so weird!

Looking at it, receiving it, swallowing it, digesting it, pooping it,

and when it is in one of those stages,

the other is already gone and you are here with your life and the other is there with his life.

The water is the time, that flows. 

Sometimes the water is like mud.

Sometimes the water flows like a waterfall.

Time passing by. 

Water flowing to a standstill.

Lately I am integrating in the Landscape,

while M is disintegrating from the Landscape.

It is weird. What is it going to be. It is the opposite of whatever was all that time.

I am not allowed to work a lot, but what I work, grows and grows.

It is weird. I die to get to work, it goes through all the difficult and stupid

and dishonourable steps.

But once I get to work, it grows intrinsic and helps all other parts in my life.

The powers emerge. 

Where I used to be happy with one or two participants in a class, 

there are sometimes eighteen. 

But also, these many people, esp. when you are going deeper, also represent

all kinds of weather. As I am learning to stand still in time and let the water flow

and the time walk ahead, through the art of patience and rooting,

I see it inter colliding and meeting and bumping into others.

As the intrinsic growth is going so fast, once I work, 

I now understand why it is so hard to get work/get to work.

Off course there is the natural flow and timing. 

And you cannot peak forever.

But the getting to work part is opposed,

by whomever don't want you to exist.

It takes a while to figure this one out, 

to feel this deeper and to take action.

It is all so unconscious.

Getting back to the Darwin:

Getting back to the Rens:

Getting back to the Ha-le-lu-yah:

Getting even back to the Michel Houellebecq:

People do a lot to exist more than others.

But everyone should have the precondition to exist.

Whomever did make the non-existence as a precondition?

Was this the rage of God, when the angels fell or Adam and Eve

were leaving Paradise on Earth?

Fortunately and unfortunately enough, at some point you 'have to go for the kill',

to be not killed yourself. 

This makes sad in the beginning. This insight, but also this reality, that insight must

be translated into action. 

This is the Krishna point, where I was talking about.

I don't wanna fight, but I have to. It is my destiny.

It is the only way to allow the life force flowing into you.

It brings you beyond the judgemental stuff: 'don't do this, don't do that', to be a good person.

It was told by the One, who already had the Life Force Elixir flowing through the body.

When this is so, then the don't do this and don't do that can enter your life.

But without the Elixir, it is just wasting each other's time and a way to feel better

than the other.

A good person, with enough respect to the life force,

does the right thing, to make the little one eat by the end of the day,

just like everything and everyone in nature does.

What people sometimes forget, when quoting how things should be,

is the harshness of life and all the woundedness of people, 

that one has to deal with, while having to do the stuff that needs to be done.

Stop throwing stones.

I'll take my stone back. I am sorry.

Godaya 

 

Photos by Ine

Ine already sent several pictures in former blogs.
She exposes at Piershil in the Silver Shoe and designed the covers of
Go Dao & Open Heart Yoga, see website: www.godaya.me
Several photo's can be ordered in the format of postcards.

To Godaya IV

Hi Godaya,

Thanks for your answer.

I am happy for that.

There is respect.

You use God. It might sound crazy, but...

God uses you as vehicle and you eat his fuel.

God needs you.

As you are dying, you can do nothing else than eat his fuel.

Back together in one, giving from the heart, giving from the love'.

Thanks for that!

Tonny.

What is the right answer?

I don't know what the right answer is.

In the room, that I am in, there are two lessons to learn.

1. Have no image, no belief, no desire in how things should be.

2. There are no rules, no morality.

At the same time, the Being was never more direct and available and tangible all the time. But this ain't enough. What if the Being is not enough?

---

So what is the right answer?

I have to split this up into pieces.

1. Why don't you believe in God, but call Him your fuel? (Tonny's).
2. Why (this is a more general question) using advertisements on your blog? (No one's or everyone's question).

---

People believe or they believe not. In whatever. Idealisms, ethics, family, love, or G. Doesn't matter. In this room I live without believes. That doesn't mean that I ignore the Existence or G.

But this fact, is then put into real life. Ongoing. The interrelationship between the most highest and purest energy and the lowest opposing world, struggling, power playing, surviving. For me it literally means dying. My wish is not to die. So G makes me driving His vehicle. He is the fuel.

I could also say: this is slang. Ending a sentence with a one-liner, could be slang.
Slang = not snake. Slang is just a way of saying things in general in a sort of - we understand what you are saying kind of way. If you don't understand the sentence, we don't share the same slang.

For me Vivication exists, but as I am also sent into the world of people, where it doesn't exist, and the situations force me to merge the two different worlds, which means I am dying as an effect, I just let G be the fuel and I go.

---

About the more general question, asking myself aloud: Don't get me wrong. I am not an advertisement person. I was against it, but in this room, I am releasing all kinds of ideas, judgements and stuff. And off course, I know, that if you make this connection, then I also know that there are persons with ideas and judgements about this. I also have them, but I kill them, by feeling unusual and un-self through this in-authentic move.

Moreover and that's the foremost reason: it doesn't work until so far. The idea is, that when an advertisement is clicked on by another person, I earn money, but people that read my blog in general don't click, because they don't know that they should click, because the advertisement eats them, because they don't like advertisement, or consider it an insult to G.

So the effect is, that my blog is decreasing in its authentic value and neutrality and that it doesn't bring me the money that is promised (another belief, dying). Without experimenting, one doesn't know and releasing all judgements.

---

I am in two worlds right now: I write the Un-facebook, but at the same time I gather also lots of work from Facebook. Krishna said in the Bagavad Gita: If you have to go to war, go to war, despite the consequences. I have to go to work.

There is no right answer.

Godaya

To Godaya III

Hi Godaya,

There might be just one sentence for this blog: Why don't you believe in G?

Why don't you believe in G and why do you see Him as your fuel?

Tonny.

Motherhoodism

I dodn't know when I became a yogi.
It went through stages.

Now I am a mother and a yogi.
It goes through stages.

The motherhood grounds my yoginess.
It brings me back to normal life.

Both are kind of strong.
One is not better than the other.

But both are also rather different.
Where lies the nuance?

I could never imagine that my working life,
step by step became more of a yogi-kind-of-life.

It probably suits me, as it is granted more and more
every day, to do so.

I am more a yoga practitioner and teacher, than I was before,
when I had a yoga school.

But then motherhood. It is so different.
Alone-someness becomes three-someness.

Motherhood takes all the romanticism of the yoga life away,
but also puts a new one into place.

It is because the motherhood that the yogi life has become
'real'. It is not plastic fantastic. It has become an urge and
a necessity, to support the family life.

What is my religion? Yogism or Motherhoodism?
I do yoga to support motherhood.
I don't do motherhood to support yoga.

So the motherhood is the ultimate goal and the yoga is a way?
It ain't the other way around.
Motherhood is per se.

Since I don't believe in God,
I guess that Motherhoodism is my sincere belief.
Yoga is the vehicle.
God is just the fuel.

Godaya

Drawing without the Lines.

In the end, you must be and move quite autonomously.
Mixing powers and interrelations are all in the non-essence a powerplay.
In the essence they are love, but mostly there ain't no essence in the interrelationship between people.
This lesson is quite a tough cookie, I mean in real life, not in a matter of speaking.

At this moment, there is an urge to move quite autonomously,
but it ain't yet allowed. I have to learn about interrelationships first.
I must first totally click in and so therefore I give myself away many times,
to learn about the different relationships of ownership.

I am owned on the non-essential level.
But on the essential level, a me originates, which can't be owned.
Therefore the ownership (by others) is obviously necessary, before
the non-ownership has a meaning of itself.
Not because I say so, but because others do.

In the interrelationships of owner-ship and non-ownership,
I learn about all kinds of powers, which make me realise,
I don't wanna be owned at all.

Clicking into society, means undoing all kinds of expectations, desires, wishes
and all that. It means dying the self.
And once the self has died,
it starts to revive like a phoenix.

Not because I say so,
but because the phoenix arises, who doesn't know that he is a phoenix
and can't do otherwise.

Being is like a drawing without the lines.

Godaya

To Godaya II

Hi Godaya,

God Is Darwin.

You could also say: when you are hardened (or you also might say: hearted), you are God.

Science therefore is God.

This morning, I heard on the radio: many scientists were 'God-seekers'.

For me there is no difference between the 'God-theory' and the 'Darwin-theory'.

How lovely, the sun shines this morning!

Tonny.

To become the Darwin.

Since I have to survive in the real world,
I am getting deeper into the world of advertisement.

I guess this is so, to un-do it.

There is a duality in G.
On one hand, you feel, and it is said: 'This is not the world of G'.
But on the other hand, you have no other choice than to come along.
So it feels like double .... (4 letter word).

For a long time, I tried to stay out of this.
But this is only possible, when you are a trillionaire.
The only thing I have is a million dollar cornflakes.

Yesterday, I watched the movie Jobs with M.
I already saw it in the plane, but anyways....
The funny thing was: M didn't know who Jobs was, although he uses everything from ..... (5 letter word).
At least there are some people who stay blank.

Being good in business, having a nose for things that are unique and usable, and being convinced of it, no matter what, brings you further in this world.

Making an existence is the same as surviving.
1. You have to be good at what you do.
2. You have to make it unique and usable to the consumer.
3. And you have to stand your ground, no matter what,
and then you make a chance.

Then there is the message, which is about advertisement.
But I guess that first the former conditions count, otherwise all is only based upon a beautiful lie.
What I saw at Jobs is that he not only was good in what he did, but that he also stood his ground at the moments that he was challenged. The world was tough, but he was tougher. Through the reality of G, I learn now that this tough-tougher-toughest is somehow what counts in the people's world, although idealism tries to convince us otherwise.

In G. or in real life, the first 3 are already quite difficult to attain and perfection.
1. What is good? It is a relative definition and who then is better? Or, when is something good enough? - Can you make a living out of it?
2. Unique and usable - is something you work on all the time. - Does the audience understand what you do and does it improve a situation? - you only know when the consumer uses and likes it.
3. Real life is hard, when it comes to standing your ground.

For the first I already tested things for years and for the second I also experienced this was functioning. The only thing was how to make a useful message towards the public. How to sell the unseen world?

For me the latest was very difficult in the last two years and for my whole life. I had to overcome culture difference of movement, not being welcome any longer in the city, but also not being welcome in the Landscape, being pregnant and give labor, a body which was changing all the time and could not be 100% unconditional trustworthy, financial struggle because of my bodily lack and some influential people, that didn't like me swimming in the same water, that made me feel afraid to go as a consequence. Being good or sufficient at 1 or 2 is not enough for the world that we live in.

Through the process, I found out that all the outer struggle is about inner processes and to make more room within your own body and energy. The more room you get on the inside, the more you start to realise that it is just a matter of Darwin and that concurrence exists in the world of Darwin, but not in the world of G. I guess a little that the story of the scorpio and being no longer afraid of its defence mechanism was a token, that I am a bit on the right track. You have to not only understand the Darwin, you have to become the Darwin.

Not there yet....but understanding more of the direction.

When you are tough enough for the Darwin, you don't need the advertisement.

Godaya