At this Moment

At this moment, I can't sleep.
It could be anything, everything.
Did you know that... we are reaching the 50.000 soon?
Oh my God, this is the old me.
She is dying.

My life is changing internally.
I mean, I wrote some blogs ago about many external changes.
Off course they help me change, but then the finishing touch.

When going deep towards the essence,
old habits still nag.
I am killing them internally.

It started some while ago.
From no work, I work now every day.
Not in the ordinary way, but in the morning and the eve's,
at the weekends,
meeting over more than 100 people a week.
I sometimes feel like a factory.
It's the people sometimes, that make it more than a factory.

Lately, I was feeling: something is missing here.
It was me, it was the love, it was the deepness and respect.
I had to fight the figures.
Although you wouldn't think so,
my work is a lot about physicality's and figures, while also going deep
as a side effect.
The real me is about deepness per se, with a physicality as a side effect.
Things turned upside down.
And then there are moment, who totally hit the coin!
(or touch the essence).

No, I am too un-nice about it all. I guess, I still help people,
as the reactions of people help me to understand,
that there is a reason for people to find it really.
'It', not me. It might mean 'me', but I shouldn't know,
as at the same time life is showing me, to un-me, the me.
I cannot and may not identify with what I am doing,
he says. Total disintegration.
It is all about it.

So the effect is at this moment, I run for others, who need me,
to do it.
I am a face, a body, with a Soul, who can do it,
and I can be replaced by others,
who also can do it.

While letting go of the me into the it,
there are more subtle processes, killing the me internally.

It started with serious meditation.
While following this teacher course as a way to score points
for teacher training registration,
I also saw it as a step towards more privacy.
The three of us are living a sort of symbiosis, with a lack of living space,
while also living our own lives.

So I started to meditate every day. This changes internally.
I started to understand, I am too strict and tense with me, always!
There can't be love in such a case. I need to build up the self-love.

But also build up the positivity...., always being angry when results weren't met,
but never satisfied, when results were met indeed.
What is a result? It is a way to keep you sharp, which is in a way
fertile for the lazy mind, but it is not the way, nor the essence.
But it is necessary, if you want to earn the bread.

Then I felt, I needed to grow further into the yoga.
While thinking I needed a leap physically,
I heard in Nijmegen, it was mentally (not physically), while
my mind still thinks, it must be done so physically (strict again),
so I started to visit ... again,
about whom I wrote in Who renses along?
I sometimes talk, to hear me saying things.

New aspects are starting to come to the surface.

Then my bf started to present another spiritual path to open,
to become more close again.
As all was swallowed by parenthood, there should be more
of 'us' again, instead of the daily buzz and parenting.
A new adventure starts.

As I am physically put on a path, and do work-outs twice, three or four
times a day, professionally, I started to feel that my food is not
substantial enough, to keep me nourished and empowered sufficiently.
So there starts a new food revolution, which is kind of radical,
and makes me see things quite differently.
I am investigating seriously a diet without carbohydrates and sugars,
while also being a veggie. This is rather substantial. I wonder if....

The latest two are just on their way.
But with radical stuff, it never works out small.
The impact is rather big and seems to be life changing.

It is not that the paths are precisely 'the thing to Do'.
G Would say: Look at the sun, listen to the wind, have a walk.
See, I forget these things, caught up by everything and recovering.

But sometimes you need paths, (in a former life I would say projects),
to discipline and kill the mind.
At this moment all paths come at the same time,
while the outside world is testing me.

I am finding true happiness, beyond suffering.
No, I am seeking true happiness, beyond suffering.

At this moment I am really a seeker,
beyond the many seekers,
with their mini-revolutions.
But is necessary, to make the next internal leap.

If it weren't for G, still at my side, seeking along,
I guess, I then would say, I am lost.
But I guess, in a way, I found it.
I have to undo the part, which is the un-love.
I guess in a way, I am finding the love.
Not in the paths. But in the processes of undoing the me.

This text could be called so many other one-liners,
but it is called 'at this moment'.

Godaya