Mindfulness in the Nonsense.

I guess it's a week later, same time (middle of the night), one week later, or is it two?
I am at another moment.

I don't know: why should I care?
Somehow, I managed to survive two weeks of work 7 days, with the double amount of hours.
Physically and mentally.
Luckily, you don't think about this in the middle of the process and just do it.

I am not happy. I am not unhappy. I just live and I do.
The intense intention, to do my stuff, which I had in the beginning (a sort of liberation),
now feels empty and just....like doing it.
The touch of peaches, the touch of winter, the touch of .... is without a touch.
Total disintegration. Even, if I would want to make something out of it, it's nothing.

The diet. It makes a huge impact on my life and that of my surroundings.
I say yes to something, which is quite easy, but hard in the effects.
As I am quite self-disciplined, it has a great impact on my body, but also on the people,
that are not me. And always having to deal with the question: 'why do you do it?',
which is almost inexplainable and just as hard to answer for me as to the other:
'I don't know'. Not being sure, doing the right thing. It's an experiment.

The meditation. I guess it is a blessing. But there isn't almost any moment to sit down
with myself. To sit with me. To do it. I have to make time in the no time.
We went through another course day. Doing a ko-an, which is meditation + answering
a deep unanswerable question. I went through images. Of going through Asia, of actually
being there, an urge, in the past time, as a monk. And then the future: of being me, the
old (76 years) version, being enlightened, no not enlightened, but literally falling together
with the greatest light available for people. Being in-human, as a human, being unable,
to connect with the people, because of the amount of light. The lightness of the light,
could not fall together with the darkness of the world. It was kind of lonely.

It seemed so real in meditation, but it was so unreal in real life,
where I am constantly wrestling with reality,
touching it, but not touching it, like a normal human being, trying to be more
vulnerable.
It was me, but it was not me. I was vulnerable, but the light made me invulnerable.
Both pictures were about 'feeling home'.
One literally with somewhere (a place) in time, one literally with out there (a light) out of time.

Did you know, I actually felt like home, home-sick, being unable to connect.
I could not connect, but the world was there.

When I left meditation, I was happy that normal life took over again.
The normal little stuff, with whom I got no intention at all.
The leaves falling from trees, the touch of peaches, the touch of autumn.
Mindfulness in the moment.
Mindfulness in the nonsense.
O, I feel so hungry....

Godaya