Let's Stop it!

Today, I followed the first day of the meditation teacher course.
It is something, which I have to do for registration as a yoga teacher.

I used to be against this stuff. (Registration). And during time it changed.
More and more I start to learn, that there are no good decisions, nor bad ones.
Yes, off course there are, when you go totally against the flow, but what I mean
is that the intention behind a choice, might differ during time.

Things get a different meaning during time, it changes through inner changes,
through seasons, through life experience.

I used to be in my mid twenties, while following theses kind of courses.
I always was one of the youngest of the group. Now I am exactly 'average'.
There are younger and older people.

Registration for now is a token, that I take my job seriously. I used to send out
the yoga quite solitary, not communicating with the yoga world. I used the outside
world as an excuse and only wanted to listen to my inner wisdom.

At the same time this inner wisdom was filled with unconscious prejudices.
So once you filter these out and look at the same thing again, things might change.

What I learn in this course is to have no absolute image. G already was scholing me this.
I have to be quite blank, and as far as there is any prejudice, colour, idea, meaning,
ideal, I don't have to see this absolute. It changes, and therefore it isn't true?

How then, if this is not it, and that is not it, and nothing is it, follow your exact intuition,
when the forces drive you into the outside world? Maybe there is no right answer.

Maybe the cited verse by Tonny in the Go Dao, was indeed right. Maybe following it,
is not because of the goal, but because of what it does to you during your way.

How come, that I write these things, from a sort of inner wisdom, but don't listen
to my inner wisdom? So, I proclaim my inner wisdom, but I do not follow it myself?
I wrote it from not knowing and as a consequence, I learn to know it, because someone
else is citing it to me.

One of the reasons, I guess, I am in the meditation class, is to get to new insights, where
I don't come, when someone else is not citing it to me. The other is no longer a guru, or
an ideal person. But it is the representation of the outside world, making me understand
myself better.

One of the insights today was: Deep in my cells, I am still trying to prove me. Trying to
do my best. Trying to be the best. Trying to be something or someone. 'This' deeply ingrained
pattern causes adrenaline, esp. when you need a job for a living (for yourself and your loved ones).
This adrenaline causes you to be not yourself.

Then, who am I? I am me, when I stop doing that.
But how to stop such a thing, when the pattern started to build up for the longest time of
my life?

I guess, I hope that I am dying it.
When I stop doing my best in an anxious way,
I am a rather nice person.

Let's stop it!

Godaya