The Ultimate Surrender.

I feel...

a lot.

I guess that the deeper sophistication is an urge on one hand, but also a necessity on the other hand.

This year went through ups and downs.
I already talk about this year, like it is new years eve in a retrospective.

I want to be there, in the retrospective,
because I feel resistance in the prospective.

I have made some jumps forward, but I also see my vulnerability.
It is not back warding, but ... awareness of....

I guess I am a good, responsible and loveable mother.
I tend to work, at least, I am getting there, although it opens a deep impact on me.

There is the 'can do'.
But there is also the 'can do' while there is necessity, outside expectations, and needing to succeed.
It doesn't have to do so much with the 'I' anymore.
It has to do with being an autonomous supporting mother and wife.

There is also the 'can't do'.
There is the perfect timing and the bad timing.

There is me in my little car racing daily from here to there.
I cannot almost imagine that I was afraid to drive a car one or two years ago.
Now I don't know what I would do without one.
In my car, there is a moment of silence, without any boundaries.

This year we have been very much helped, esp. by my family.
I wouldn't know what to do without them.

There comes a time, it's coming, it's getting there,
that I am put more into my own.

On one hand this happens through the fact, I need to work and need to be sufficiently functioning.
On the other hand this happens through the fact, that M also does.
We are more put on separate tracks.

And there is my parents, which leave for Antartica in a few weeks for a month.
Full radio silence.
My sisters fly in, and then they leave for the States again.
They are going to celebrate christmas together.
Should we be there, or should we not?

When you are in the middle of survival, these questions are irrelevant.

I'll be put more onto my own for the coming time.
There is an urge, but also a necessity.
I don't want it.
I have to accept it.

It is about building up enough strength, to make a living on my own, for my loved ones,
without the deep bedding, by which I was supported over this year....

Let's trust on time.
Let's trust on the fact that time walks hand in hand with what to handle or not to handle.
Let's trust on growth.
Let's trust on growth, which only can get bigger and go forward.
Let's trust on intuition.
Let's trust on intuition, leading me where I should be.
Let's trust on my legs and feet, rooted deeply into the ground.
Let's trust on the welcomeness, wherever I go.
Let's trust on endlessness, and that in the end it doesn't matter,
as long as I go.

Maybe trust is not so much about trusting something, or someone.
Trust is perhaps the ultimate surrender.

I need to walk forward.
I need to keep on going.
Let's not back off this time.
Godaya