To Godaya VIII

Dear Godaya,

When it happens, the will is totally turned down. You fight it, as you really want to, but lose grip on everything. And the more you start to get a grip, the harder it gets. But you should not want it, and it also doesn't matter if you don't want it, as it  happens anyways. And why? What makes it happen? It seems as if this is also becoming something unknown. When you are caught in it, there is nothing you can do. You think that you act wrong, or that you are unworthy or do wrongly. The easiest things are inexplainable to you. 

In those cases I feel totally blank. It is horrible. Only... after the suffering, then, it is somehow possible to put it into words. But giving it a rightful explanation? Understanding it? No, that is not possible. It proceeds and improves along the way and then you also forget and don't think that it will ever happen again.

Why do I write this? Perhaps to support all those who are caught in such a thing. 

And perhaps to let someone somewhere know, that there is indeed someone out here, who....who really understands?

Tonny.