Pioneering

I am on a new road.

The road is still bumpy, but at the same time, it is changing slowly for the better.

We are not there yet, but it is a good thing to trust on time.

Time getting you there.

Last week, I asked: is it a good idea to meet the Iceman again? 

The last time, I did this, was seven years ago. Swimming under the ice, really enhanced my resistance. It opened up a power, which made me not being ill for years.

Right now f.e. I am sometimes providing hot yoga, which means providing the class in 30-40 degrees. It seems to be good for bloodcirculation and inner wounds. But, on the other hand, the heat is making the body really slow and dull. I guess it is not really good for the immune system and health defence.

His answer was: that is the old you. Wanting to be invulnerable..., why not accept the way you are, why not accept being ill?

That is a way to look at it. I was warned not to swallow in it (being too ill), but also not being too strong for it (health defence and immune system). I had to learn to accept it, while working hard.

Lately, I am opening more up, showing my more vulnerable side. 

I used to do this, through expression and writing, but it was not with the knowledge that I did so. I didn't even know, that by writing all down, I was vulnerable. I was not busy at all with what people might think about...., when opening up. 

But now there almost doesn't seem to be another way: by living closer to the truth and to my truth, life becomes more easy and out of one piece. It doesn't mean that there are no difficulties, but it makes difficulties easier to cope with. 

Also I now listen more to: 'what do you need?', as mostly my habits and behaviour were an excuse to not listen to what I needed. Instead of that I started to give and change, instead of to accept...

This column is called pioneering. Every day, I am open for more work. So there was a vacancy as a journalist for a pioneering magazine. To prove my writing skills, I had to send in some work. I don't send older work, because that is not me any more. But I also had to explain, why I thought I was a pioneer. Normally, I used to be quite inspired to plead myself being a pioneer. F.e. being one of the first women to join the iceman under the ice. This is what pioneering is about, nowadays. 

The 'oohs and the aahs'.

But that is not who I am. So I wrote:

I am pioneer in vulnerability.

But let's not make it into a thing.

Be vulnerable.

Godaya 

To Godaya VII

I wanted to write Him, but what to write about?

He said I had to breathe through. I can't and I don't want to.

Leaving him, getting to him and what's the change?

I wake up again, sadly.

I open my tablet and see a picture of three beautiful people, my children.

I almost succeeded myself to put the photo as a background on the tablet. My husband helped me with the finishing touch.

Three young people, who look at me.

Breathe through, He says.

Yesterday morning, on my way to work on my bicycle I bump into the mother,

who buried her son of 18 years old last week.

Breathe through, H says.

Please help me, I write.

Tonny.

Photos by Ine VIII

Everyone got his Own Life.

These weeks are swallowing me...., that I sometimes forget to write.
I even didn't contemplate on my trip to Nijmegen.

Two days ago, I finally got to the point where I acknowledged to be stressed.
I was coping with a cold for about 2 months, and the person of the vitamin store
asked me, if I had some stress by any means.
As I am teaching people to un-stress, the thought didn't even slipped my mind.
But some days ago, I started to realise.... it could be that....

In a nutshell: In these last two and a half years, I lost my husband by someone else,
I was kicked out of my house, and without any income, I succeeded to find another
house. I was applying for jobs for 1 year. Then I found something in cleaning. This is
not enough to make a living. Somehow I succeeded, with the help of....
I then found a new boyfriend. His parents died in that one year with the whole family stuff
included. I got pregnant, while being in the death-processes.
I moved to the Landscape where in the first year no one was my friend and some people even
my enemy. I lost my flexibility and control over my body,
when I wanted to pick up the yoga again. I moved to my Hometown,
as this was the only job that succeeded. We lived apart as a family, because we needed to
earn the coins. The birth totally shook my out of my center. It took me half a year to find
me, when also taking care of the little one in the best way we could. On the meantime, there
were people in our close environment, who needed much help/to be saved, really really - again-, which took lots of our energy, while also drowning ourselves.
Then I moved back to the Landscape, to at least function as a unit, unemployed again.
Someone in the related family committed suicide. I was really fighting depressions, without
knowing why.
There was the rent of the office for one year, while at the same time not sitting there for more
than a few times, while also applying for jobs somewhere else, to pay the rent instead of buying food. And in the end....
All went very well with the little one, and after being more than one year unemployed, finally
recovering in the body and building up yoga hours. These hours needed and need to proved,
and earned. My mum and dead being very much of a help, since that our little one is
on this planet. They went off finally to make their dream true in Antartica.
Little things, like daily applying take lots of energy. Input, no output. Input, waiting. Input, hope.
Hope lost. Little steps forward. Little steps backward. Working hard with a small amount
of people and a small amount of money. Growing to a great amount of people. Forward, backward.
The stress...

No, there is not the romantic yoga idea. Not the romantic yoga religion. There is just earning
the coins and the reduction of stress....I guess. As I was/am always in the survival modus.

But, getting slowly out of the survival modus, there is also another way to look at things:
'We are heading in the good direction!'
'We made it so far'.
'We are more one family'.
'From 0 hours to more hours'.
'From small groups to bigger groups'.
'Becoming really a mother and a father'.
'Doing the work, that suits you'.
'My parents, as little kids on an adventure to the other side of the world'.
'Doing almost everything out of own effort and inner power'.
'Scooter finally sold!'
'Lots of help during these difficult months'.
'More yet to come - these two weeks I am going to double the amount of group hours - hope I can make/realise it physically'.

There is the stressed way and the un-stressed way to look at the same thing.
The enlightened one is the last one.
It is sometimes hard for outsiders to understand the first one,
when all is going well, the stress modus seems to be so unnecessary.
When all is going wrong, there is no second way to look at things.
There is no room and time to waste. There is just the drowning and the surviving.

I guess it also has to do with the human brain. When one light is switched on,
the other light is switched off.
Enlightenment in that sense is also a sort of hypocrisy:
it is looking and judging over the same thing, when all is safe in the own life.
It almost seems to be arrogant to do so.
I don't know which world is real. I only know that one light shifts to another light,
when time is ready and not before. Then there is more room for retrospection.
That is why I learn now, how hard it is, to judge over other people's situations.
The only thing you can give is 'room', instead of words.
You are not in the same position, when you do so, so it really is easy to make an
idea about it, but it is almost impossible to make the real idea about it.

Everyone got his own life.

I still didn't evaluate all that was spoken about at Nijmegen session.
It doesn't matter.

The only thing I recall is that I was with my eyes closed in the end, caught up in a healing,
while the little one was flirting with Rens.
The last one was so amused, that he was laughing all the time, upright and aloud.
All 3 in the room, had the greatest time, when I was in the same time, caught up in another
room, closer to the Source, not laughing along.

The last three sessions, there is (for the first time) contentment from the last one, towards me,
about the path, the result and spiritual reality. According to him: I am coping the great violence,
pushed against me all the time, by becoming small and vulnerable.

The old way = harsh and tough.
The New way = tender and soft through the great violence, which unfortunately is my way to go.

Photo's by Ine VII

True World

Going deeper into Advaita, which means: being with-what-is, and undoing illusion,
I still find it hard to tell, what-is, and what isn't.

Lately I am travelling through all kind of worlds: real worlds and unreal worlds.
But both are. They are probably both not true, but....

Maybe one shouldn't understand. When f.e. travelling through a world full of ego,
one could say: 'this is a world full of ego, so this is an untrue world'.

But, at the same time: it happens, it is, and every now and then we are placed in the middle
of it. It ain't comfortable, but is it therefore not true, less true?

People, who are spiritually advanced, would say: it is less true and I stay away
from this world. But: how to stay away from it, when at the same time, partaking in
life as it is?

Then maybe the situation is as it is, 'full of ego' and at the same time, the judgement
'full of ego' should dissolve? Or is there a right nuance?

I am going through different worlds during a week, where all kinds of situations
are easily labelled by people. I see them as a landscape, passing by.

As they come and go, you could say: they are all subject to change and therefore
untrue. But at the same time, while passing by, it is my world. It is the truth what I
have to deal with?

Fully denunciating this world, is not an option, as reality shows: you have to fight
for an existence. Non-existence is not an option, as it means falling down.

So going deeper into Advaita might be an option, but the option is 'flat'. It is too
mathematical, with some possibility to become round, when there is more acceptance
for what is.

But then still: some worlds don't go together. They can not 'be' in the same existence.
I don't know if you ever went through such a thing: but truth also shows consequences.
It sometimes means that choosing one thing, naturally means not choosing the other thing.

This sounds very logical, like an open book, but what if you wanna chose both, but
they don't go together: then the truth will tell at some point: this doesn't go together,
even if you stretched out your mental/physical reality.

The truth has consequences. It is not really a judgement, that this is so. So if you chose
one thing, and then other disappears with all consequences: it is not a judgement, but
it is a choice with a certain effect.

Fortunately, we don't know the effects on beforehand. It is something chemical,
where a bigger truth takes place. We can observe them, play a role in it, but must
not be of importance.

We are not important. We just unroll our paths and then some effects follow.

Chose wisely from the heart,
but not as a way to get anywhere.
Go nowhere and then wisdom follows.

Godaya

The I is the Surpr'I'se.

One week towards Nijmegen,
things have changed.
It was about 3,5 months ago.
I don't understand still where I am going.
I only understand it a little when I recall the past.
Then I see so much has happened, but when I would look
at the moment myself, I wouldn't know.

When I don't see my baby-boy-toddler-in-a-sense for just
two days, he has tremendously changed, just by being him,
travelling through time. The same it is with us.
But the difference is that as an adult there is some consciousness,
which recalls the past, but a little one is not busy with that kind of stuff.
The directness of Being.

I am more advaita, which means: being one-with-time.
Not running ahead out of need, not staying behind out of fear.
I am just going, as life moves me from this to that,
showing me what it will become.

From being pregnant and alone, I saw many people click in
privately and then I saw many people click in professionally.
I still have the feeling that more people will click in professionally,
it is a sort of urge. But also the Zen-when-it-doesn't happen is useful.

I arrived to the part, where it is finally all about 'me', but who am I?
I am getting there, more and more, which also had to do with letting
go of the inauthentic 'I am going to do this and that' part, which ran
in front of me. I did everything, and got nowhere, than where I was,
getting somewhere and running away from who I was.

I am probably the ice-cap on Antartica, which is melting into water.
Finally soft and tender, after being hard.
At the same time soft doesn't mean softy.
I am not to be messed around with and learned to take my place and
to stand my ground with the pressure of others.
The I is what becomes when going. The I is squeezed out of that interaction.

The I is the Surpr'I'se.

Godaya

Truth is without any Image.

I am living a lie, and at the same time, I live my truth.
There is a doubleness within me, at the same time: there is doubleness in everyone.

Becoming more out of one piece, means, un-veiling illusion.
It means, adaption to what is not, while also knowing this is necessary to undo.

Right now there is more acceptation towards both worlds.
To both me's, as there can't be love without people, there can't be G without both worlds.

What I at least try most: is to mean, whatever I do or say, even when this means,
living a lie. At least, I believe the lie I live, until the illusion is un-veiled.

Innocence, I am starting to understand the deepness of the word. It actually means,
being nothing, being no one, being blank, and at the same time Be-ing.

Be-ing is not possible without the world of people. It is thanks to this, that it comes
into being. That it can Be. So thank you people.

This night, I dreamed of someone drawing cartoons, to explain the process of Vivication in an innovative way. It was exposed in some sort of museum.

Sometimes, things, which can't be really told or understood in words, get an extra understanding
through images.

My reaction was manifold. 1. 'Good explanation!'. 2. 'Doesn't make sense, as the unexplainable
can't be explained to a normal living person. 3. Shamefulness for the process and that it takes place in general. Wanting to keep it a secret. 4. Beyond the phase of explaining. 5. Un-cool for my Facebook identity. 6. Un-acceptable for my yoga identity.

This was just a dream. Dreams per se, are already images, interpretation of the subconscious world. They are often not real. But then, reactions on a dream, what are they?

They un-veil the illusion of the illusion.

Would the world be a better place without the process of Vivication?
I am not going to explain this process.

I am not sure, as we travel always in the in between phase, where there are only the effects, without the totality of its destination. I guess we are not to see its result, even if we suffered a lot for it. I guess we only can see glimpses every now and then.

Today, I walked through the Rijksmuseum. I had to think back about a remark of a passed away friend, who I interviewed for a Magazine. He said, that the process would finally end in hundreds of years. In other words: that we never would live the results of it.

At the same time the promise many times, that I would see the results of it in this life indeed.
Yeah right. I guess, that the process is like this: when I see it, I guess, I probably don't see it. I live it and consider it the most normal thing in the world. I must say, that life is becoming more normal indeed. At the same time, the outside world, gets rather abnormal as a consequence.

I am normal.
The others are not really.
It doesn't matter.
As long as there is a difference, there is....

Then, still in my idealistic mood, I didn't want to see it this way (so long). But what if it were true? Then of what relevance is it, to walk this path, while at the same time, we are only living the effects, but not the result?

Reality = un-changeable. This doesn't mean that reality doesn't change. But it means, that even when we don't see the relevance of it, it still happens, because we have no say in this. The truth determines, not we.

I walked through the Rijksmuseum and I saw all kinds of history passing by. Things that were so well kept and preserved. It is so weird to realise that this same history will be told in a different way to my son, once he goes to school. He will learn things about places and people, that are totally unfamiliar. He'll learn it as an image and a truth. But image ain't truth. Truth is without any image.

It is so weird to see history, today and future coming together in the same time-space.

Godaya

Photo's by Ine VI

To Godaya VI

Dear Godaya,

I see as if you wrote a blank space. The blank space is....God, is of God.

And now you fill it with colour, you live and slowly fill up the space. People fill you with colour. Make it visible. That is how God becomes visible in this world.

In your world, it works the other way around. As if you have to live through the pain of His consciousness process.

I don't know if my words are correctly chosen. But the blank space is. That I see.

Yesterday there were 5 people in church and the choir. If you know how I suffered on my way towards that moment. If you know how my body suffered.

I don't understand anything of it.

Maybe it is the other way around. God Will See Him in the blank space.

And you, we, are His fuel.

Tonny.

Let's Stop it!

Today, I followed the first day of the meditation teacher course.
It is something, which I have to do for registration as a yoga teacher.

I used to be against this stuff. (Registration). And during time it changed.
More and more I start to learn, that there are no good decisions, nor bad ones.
Yes, off course there are, when you go totally against the flow, but what I mean
is that the intention behind a choice, might differ during time.

Things get a different meaning during time, it changes through inner changes,
through seasons, through life experience.

I used to be in my mid twenties, while following theses kind of courses.
I always was one of the youngest of the group. Now I am exactly 'average'.
There are younger and older people.

Registration for now is a token, that I take my job seriously. I used to send out
the yoga quite solitary, not communicating with the yoga world. I used the outside
world as an excuse and only wanted to listen to my inner wisdom.

At the same time this inner wisdom was filled with unconscious prejudices.
So once you filter these out and look at the same thing again, things might change.

What I learn in this course is to have no absolute image. G already was scholing me this.
I have to be quite blank, and as far as there is any prejudice, colour, idea, meaning,
ideal, I don't have to see this absolute. It changes, and therefore it isn't true?

How then, if this is not it, and that is not it, and nothing is it, follow your exact intuition,
when the forces drive you into the outside world? Maybe there is no right answer.

Maybe the cited verse by Tonny in the Go Dao, was indeed right. Maybe following it,
is not because of the goal, but because of what it does to you during your way.

How come, that I write these things, from a sort of inner wisdom, but don't listen
to my inner wisdom? So, I proclaim my inner wisdom, but I do not follow it myself?
I wrote it from not knowing and as a consequence, I learn to know it, because someone
else is citing it to me.

One of the reasons, I guess, I am in the meditation class, is to get to new insights, where
I don't come, when someone else is not citing it to me. The other is no longer a guru, or
an ideal person. But it is the representation of the outside world, making me understand
myself better.

One of the insights today was: Deep in my cells, I am still trying to prove me. Trying to
do my best. Trying to be the best. Trying to be something or someone. 'This' deeply ingrained
pattern causes adrenaline, esp. when you need a job for a living (for yourself and your loved ones).
This adrenaline causes you to be not yourself.

Then, who am I? I am me, when I stop doing that.
But how to stop such a thing, when the pattern started to build up for the longest time of
my life?

I guess, I hope that I am dying it.
When I stop doing my best in an anxious way,
I am a rather nice person.

Let's stop it!

Godaya

Photos by Ine V

The Ultimate Surrender.

I feel...

a lot.

I guess that the deeper sophistication is an urge on one hand, but also a necessity on the other hand.

This year went through ups and downs.
I already talk about this year, like it is new years eve in a retrospective.

I want to be there, in the retrospective,
because I feel resistance in the prospective.

I have made some jumps forward, but I also see my vulnerability.
It is not back warding, but ... awareness of....

I guess I am a good, responsible and loveable mother.
I tend to work, at least, I am getting there, although it opens a deep impact on me.

There is the 'can do'.
But there is also the 'can do' while there is necessity, outside expectations, and needing to succeed.
It doesn't have to do so much with the 'I' anymore.
It has to do with being an autonomous supporting mother and wife.

There is also the 'can't do'.
There is the perfect timing and the bad timing.

There is me in my little car racing daily from here to there.
I cannot almost imagine that I was afraid to drive a car one or two years ago.
Now I don't know what I would do without one.
In my car, there is a moment of silence, without any boundaries.

This year we have been very much helped, esp. by my family.
I wouldn't know what to do without them.

There comes a time, it's coming, it's getting there,
that I am put more into my own.

On one hand this happens through the fact, I need to work and need to be sufficiently functioning.
On the other hand this happens through the fact, that M also does.
We are more put on separate tracks.

And there is my parents, which leave for Antartica in a few weeks for a month.
Full radio silence.
My sisters fly in, and then they leave for the States again.
They are going to celebrate christmas together.
Should we be there, or should we not?

When you are in the middle of survival, these questions are irrelevant.

I'll be put more onto my own for the coming time.
There is an urge, but also a necessity.
I don't want it.
I have to accept it.

It is about building up enough strength, to make a living on my own, for my loved ones,
without the deep bedding, by which I was supported over this year....

Let's trust on time.
Let's trust on the fact that time walks hand in hand with what to handle or not to handle.
Let's trust on growth.
Let's trust on growth, which only can get bigger and go forward.
Let's trust on intuition.
Let's trust on intuition, leading me where I should be.
Let's trust on my legs and feet, rooted deeply into the ground.
Let's trust on the welcomeness, wherever I go.
Let's trust on endlessness, and that in the end it doesn't matter,
as long as I go.

Maybe trust is not so much about trusting something, or someone.
Trust is perhaps the ultimate surrender.

I need to walk forward.
I need to keep on going.
Let's not back off this time.
Godaya

To Godaya V

Dear Godaya,

I open Go Dao (= book-oracle of Go Dao) at page 146 and I read: '...investigate what feeds your Soul essentially and what harms your Soul essentially. And investigate, why it is sometimes hard to get rid of something, which is obviously harmful for you. Sometimes G. Interferes to set you apart from this'.

And then the text: Even simpeler: ...'Purity appears, when there is more room for just Being'.
I don't know, or do I? Am I providing too little space for just Being?
Must I just stop preparing the church celebrations?
Okay, let's ask the oracle: Shall I let go of it? Does it take too much of my energy?

The number 21 pops up in my head, so I open the Go Dao oracle.
Shall I open page 21, or Go Dao verse 21?
Let's do Go Dao verse 21.

'Unknown light.
Does it make sense to follow or to find something, which is unknown, unseen or unattainable?
Yes indeed.
Especially following that path makes sense.
Not, because you shall find, know, see or attain it.
Especially not that.
It makes sense, as everything comes to light along the way'.

Along the way, my God, it is so hard to not 'find, know, see or attain!'.

Tonny.

Go Dao is available as a book oracle at the website www.godaya.me

Photo's by Ine IV

Deeper Sophistication

Today I woke up and I realised: I need more deepness.

The need comes from the inside out.

For a long time, the urge was about survival.
We needed to survive. It was necessary to make the outside world important.
I ignored the outside world for quite some while, as when having a baby, there is
a universe in a universe.

But then the outside world became important,
as we needed to survive. This took all of our energy and lust for life away.
Daily we were obsessed with work, getting to work, enough work,
feeling guilty about not working, feeling guilty about not working enough,
feeling guilty of.....

Then more work came along. There was a broader scope. Instead of speaking
to almost no one, I started to speak to everyone. At this moment I lead about
8 groups a week and keep on building out.

Then sometimes the 'Being' dropped in. Someone was sent on my path, technically,
who wanted to work deeper. This was the only deeper connection on the inside and
on the outside to feel again clicking in a great unknown world, which is beyond us.

No longer do I need any assistance before, during or after healing. It works directly
through me. But the moment comes, when it comes. I don't do anything, except for
being where I should be.

Then, the broad side of work. Off course it needs to become even broader, as
the working forms a strong antidote for all kinds of powers. Working helps
the Being overcome the non-Being, not only for me, but for others as well.

But now, I have reached a point, where I want to go deeper. I need a deeper sophistication,
where the outside world becomes supporting, but less important.

I don't know how to get there.
But I probably will, because otherwise, I didn't notice it before.

I provide yoga every day, but the stories which originate through or after it,
are the ones that count. Then live begins. And then I start to get interested in more.

This week I'll start to follow a teacher training in Meditation (Mindfulness, Vipassana,
Samsara and Zazen). It is something obligatory to follow to be registrated. I don't know
if it will make me go deeper. At the same time, the power of the group, will set things
into motion and probably awaken new stuff.

Then again.... did you know that my adsense experiment (the advertisements)
at my blog until now provided me 1 euro and 44 cents?

I guess that I am the cheapest channel for people to advertise.
I prostituted myself for 1 euro and 44 cents.

I guess that G and advertisement don't really go together.
Off course, I knew this at the beginning.
But at the same time, when one is surviving, all the normal outworld stuff
'is going on'. There is a subconscious layer doing this and that.

What if the normal world doesn't work?
Then you need a deeper sophistication.

Godaya

Simpleness of Being

New Things are happening with the energy.

I kind of get to understand what is meant by Being.
It is really something technical.
Am I a machine?
While I am also something emotional.

I am like a puzzle piece.
People click in.
People click out.

I am like a mirror point, for different lives,
who don't know about each other.

Two days ago, at the exact same time,
two different grandmothers, which I didn't know,
and who didn't know each other,
decided to knit some woollen socks for the little one.

The three of us are starting to live more separate lives,
while also being a family.
Getting stronger every day.
The enhancement of energy by strength.
The enlargement of the energy field by interaction with the outside world.

The simpleness of Being.
As I was always very busy with finding work,
I now have to get back to simpleness and really enjoy
my spare time as a mum.

Enjoying the sun and scrubbing the sink.
Fitting the new socks, to him, who is not a baby any more.

What is exactly the name or the middle point between
a baby and a toddler?
What is it, when you have to fold your child into this hamburger position,
to still keep it in your arms?
What, when you hold your baby-toddler close to you, and
he is a head-long above you?
What is it, when all the clothes don't fit any more?

I guess it is time passing by.
All keeps on growing. Fortunately.

Godaya