To be Continued...

It's been a while since I wrote.
The reason why..?

I am going through different phases.
More glimpses of the real me come to surface.
They are quite fragile.
They also involve my work.

Since a week or something,
I am re-united with more happiness.
I say re-united, because I was always guided with a basic positivity.
A basic trust.

Then I lost it for some time.
I didn't recognise me in what I had become.
But now the positivity comes back,
from the inside out.

The heart opens really every once in a while.
Sometimes it closes and I keep it for myself.

In work a lot is changing. I guess in a month or more,
I am doing different stuff....
Little glimpses already show...
It's the same same, but then by far more authentic.

Since some time, I am fighting expectations of the outside world.
I don't want to be part of it.
But I know, that I will only find happiness and salvation,
when this outside world is included.

Feeling the natural flow, despite all the outside world expectations.
Trusting on a deeper walk of life, without instant reaction.

At this moment, I am more heading towards the Buddha,
than towards....I don't know if it is home. But it was a missing link.

To be Continued...

Godaya

Workshops

For Serious Request there will be two donation based workshops at Yoga Club Mijdrecht
at December 12th and December 13th. The donations will be offered totally to 'Het Rode Kruis'.

December 12th: Meditation, Mindfulness and Relaxation by Godaya at 10.30-12.00.
December 13th: Yin Yoga by Marloes Winkel at 12.30-14.00.

Hope to see you there. More information, visit my website: www.godaya.me

To Godaya XI

Dear Godaya,

For all people, who tend to give up,

Tonny:

From the Talmud

You can be the first note in a song,

so that all boundaries are gone,

don't be afraid

even if the note is false

You can be the first spark for a fire

which melts all weapons into ploughs

don't be afraid

even if you are wounded by the wind

You can be the first grain in the field

which will fill all hands with bread

don't be afraid

even if the land is full of rocks

You can be the first drop of a Source

which sings songs of life in the desert

don't be afraid

even when the cloud is still silent

You can be the first step for a dance

which leads all feet towards Him

don't be afraid

even if your foot is stumbling 

And then this...

When you have believed in people

which let you down: keep on believing.

When you hoped for a miracle,

which did not happen: keep on hoping.

When you wanted to leave a trace of love,

but were despised, even continue to love.

When you dreamed and then awaken,

keep on dreaming until the morning!

Ine's Book

Ine's book is worth seeing/buying. Over 365 pics and illustrations. See link
Godaya

http://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/let-the-picture-get-you-by-ine/15465http://www.boekenbestellen.nl/boek/let-the-picture-get-you-by-ine/15465

To Godaya X

 

Dear Godaya,

I am curious about you answer.
I don't like it that I visit your site to see it empty again.
Is that the case with more people? Being curious... or is it my dependency? of ...?
Do I wait too much for people? Waiting? Why do I wait? Is it because I don't wanna go? Is it, because I should go myself.... or is it time that others will follow me? That I show people what's inside of me?
That I don't identify with you, with someone else, but...go!?
Why does it scare me so much?
Not waiting for someone to follow. Go!? Saying 'yes' to whatever calls you.
It's so scary.

Tonny

 

Photo's by Ine XI

To Godaya IV

Dear Godaya,

I regularly watch your blog, but it keeps on being empty.

It is hard to see it empty, as you want it to be filled in. I also have the feeling that I shouldn't fill this.
I also don't know what to write.

Except for saying: 'I don't know'. Maybe therefore we got words to pray. As a ritual to not disappear in emptiness. Perhaps the church intended to introduce prayers, to not disappear, as a protection. I don't know.
They do indeed know it on television and in the papers.
They at least think so, as they talk a lot and the papers are fully filled with words.
I don't know if this makes any sense.

Godaya, how are you?

Tonny. 

Photo's by Ine X

Mindfulness in the Nonsense.

I guess it's a week later, same time (middle of the night), one week later, or is it two?
I am at another moment.

I don't know: why should I care?
Somehow, I managed to survive two weeks of work 7 days, with the double amount of hours.
Physically and mentally.
Luckily, you don't think about this in the middle of the process and just do it.

I am not happy. I am not unhappy. I just live and I do.
The intense intention, to do my stuff, which I had in the beginning (a sort of liberation),
now feels empty and just....like doing it.
The touch of peaches, the touch of winter, the touch of .... is without a touch.
Total disintegration. Even, if I would want to make something out of it, it's nothing.

The diet. It makes a huge impact on my life and that of my surroundings.
I say yes to something, which is quite easy, but hard in the effects.
As I am quite self-disciplined, it has a great impact on my body, but also on the people,
that are not me. And always having to deal with the question: 'why do you do it?',
which is almost inexplainable and just as hard to answer for me as to the other:
'I don't know'. Not being sure, doing the right thing. It's an experiment.

The meditation. I guess it is a blessing. But there isn't almost any moment to sit down
with myself. To sit with me. To do it. I have to make time in the no time.
We went through another course day. Doing a ko-an, which is meditation + answering
a deep unanswerable question. I went through images. Of going through Asia, of actually
being there, an urge, in the past time, as a monk. And then the future: of being me, the
old (76 years) version, being enlightened, no not enlightened, but literally falling together
with the greatest light available for people. Being in-human, as a human, being unable,
to connect with the people, because of the amount of light. The lightness of the light,
could not fall together with the darkness of the world. It was kind of lonely.

It seemed so real in meditation, but it was so unreal in real life,
where I am constantly wrestling with reality,
touching it, but not touching it, like a normal human being, trying to be more
vulnerable.
It was me, but it was not me. I was vulnerable, but the light made me invulnerable.
Both pictures were about 'feeling home'.
One literally with somewhere (a place) in time, one literally with out there (a light) out of time.

Did you know, I actually felt like home, home-sick, being unable to connect.
I could not connect, but the world was there.

When I left meditation, I was happy that normal life took over again.
The normal little stuff, with whom I got no intention at all.
The leaves falling from trees, the touch of peaches, the touch of autumn.
Mindfulness in the moment.
Mindfulness in the nonsense.
O, I feel so hungry....

Godaya

To Godaya VIII

Dear Godaya,

When it happens, the will is totally turned down. You fight it, as you really want to, but lose grip on everything. And the more you start to get a grip, the harder it gets. But you should not want it, and it also doesn't matter if you don't want it, as it  happens anyways. And why? What makes it happen? It seems as if this is also becoming something unknown. When you are caught in it, there is nothing you can do. You think that you act wrong, or that you are unworthy or do wrongly. The easiest things are inexplainable to you. 

In those cases I feel totally blank. It is horrible. Only... after the suffering, then, it is somehow possible to put it into words. But giving it a rightful explanation? Understanding it? No, that is not possible. It proceeds and improves along the way and then you also forget and don't think that it will ever happen again.

Why do I write this? Perhaps to support all those who are caught in such a thing. 

And perhaps to let someone somewhere know, that there is indeed someone out here, who....who really understands?

Tonny.

Photo's by Ine IX

This time she it's an illustration.

At this Moment

At this moment, I can't sleep.
It could be anything, everything.
Did you know that... we are reaching the 50.000 soon?
Oh my God, this is the old me.
She is dying.

My life is changing internally.
I mean, I wrote some blogs ago about many external changes.
Off course they help me change, but then the finishing touch.

When going deep towards the essence,
old habits still nag.
I am killing them internally.

It started some while ago.
From no work, I work now every day.
Not in the ordinary way, but in the morning and the eve's,
at the weekends,
meeting over more than 100 people a week.
I sometimes feel like a factory.
It's the people sometimes, that make it more than a factory.

Lately, I was feeling: something is missing here.
It was me, it was the love, it was the deepness and respect.
I had to fight the figures.
Although you wouldn't think so,
my work is a lot about physicality's and figures, while also going deep
as a side effect.
The real me is about deepness per se, with a physicality as a side effect.
Things turned upside down.
And then there are moment, who totally hit the coin!
(or touch the essence).

No, I am too un-nice about it all. I guess, I still help people,
as the reactions of people help me to understand,
that there is a reason for people to find it really.
'It', not me. It might mean 'me', but I shouldn't know,
as at the same time life is showing me, to un-me, the me.
I cannot and may not identify with what I am doing,
he says. Total disintegration.
It is all about it.

So the effect is at this moment, I run for others, who need me,
to do it.
I am a face, a body, with a Soul, who can do it,
and I can be replaced by others,
who also can do it.

While letting go of the me into the it,
there are more subtle processes, killing the me internally.

It started with serious meditation.
While following this teacher course as a way to score points
for teacher training registration,
I also saw it as a step towards more privacy.
The three of us are living a sort of symbiosis, with a lack of living space,
while also living our own lives.

So I started to meditate every day. This changes internally.
I started to understand, I am too strict and tense with me, always!
There can't be love in such a case. I need to build up the self-love.

But also build up the positivity...., always being angry when results weren't met,
but never satisfied, when results were met indeed.
What is a result? It is a way to keep you sharp, which is in a way
fertile for the lazy mind, but it is not the way, nor the essence.
But it is necessary, if you want to earn the bread.

Then I felt, I needed to grow further into the yoga.
While thinking I needed a leap physically,
I heard in Nijmegen, it was mentally (not physically), while
my mind still thinks, it must be done so physically (strict again),
so I started to visit ... again,
about whom I wrote in Who renses along?
I sometimes talk, to hear me saying things.

New aspects are starting to come to the surface.

Then my bf started to present another spiritual path to open,
to become more close again.
As all was swallowed by parenthood, there should be more
of 'us' again, instead of the daily buzz and parenting.
A new adventure starts.

As I am physically put on a path, and do work-outs twice, three or four
times a day, professionally, I started to feel that my food is not
substantial enough, to keep me nourished and empowered sufficiently.
So there starts a new food revolution, which is kind of radical,
and makes me see things quite differently.
I am investigating seriously a diet without carbohydrates and sugars,
while also being a veggie. This is rather substantial. I wonder if....

The latest two are just on their way.
But with radical stuff, it never works out small.
The impact is rather big and seems to be life changing.

It is not that the paths are precisely 'the thing to Do'.
G Would say: Look at the sun, listen to the wind, have a walk.
See, I forget these things, caught up by everything and recovering.

But sometimes you need paths, (in a former life I would say projects),
to discipline and kill the mind.
At this moment all paths come at the same time,
while the outside world is testing me.

I am finding true happiness, beyond suffering.
No, I am seeking true happiness, beyond suffering.

At this moment I am really a seeker,
beyond the many seekers,
with their mini-revolutions.
But is necessary, to make the next internal leap.

If it weren't for G, still at my side, seeking along,
I guess, I then would say, I am lost.
But I guess, in a way, I found it.
I have to undo the part, which is the un-love.
I guess in a way, I am finding the love.
Not in the paths. But in the processes of undoing the me.

This text could be called so many other one-liners,
but it is called 'at this moment'.

Godaya