New Adventure

The Energy starts to move me, step by step....

I am already busy from this morning onwards.
At 8 pm, I had to be at the medical centre, to re-test my blood.
I was not about to eat, and then blood was tapped, then I had to drink a lot of sugar and wait for 2 hours, before the blood was tapped again.

I notice how Pregancy has two sides of the medal.
On one hand, there is the romanticism, of how things are and the chits and the chats.
On the other hand, there is reality, of how things are....

Within pregnancy Land, there are two schools:
1. One school sees pregnancy as an illness as you are getting all kinds of physical complaints, which are normally not there. They cannot be really helped through medical intervention. It is just a symptom. Then within this, there is a medical part, which emphasises this as a problem and deals with it like it is a problem. And there is another part, which just accepts this reality as it is, and rather pampers: 'this is just normal, try to accept it and to relax a bit. Enjoy pregnancy.

2, The other school sees pregnancy as a part within an enlightenment process, and goes back to nature and is even romantic about this, so that complications could sometimes be ignored.

I guess that I am someone who stands in between. But they have to work together.
So at the least it is good, to be sure that you have taken all the legitimate routes and trust the people who know more about it, but on the other hand it is important to stay critical and ask good questions and also feel that you are always in charge, even when things happen, which you don't like.

This standing in between is new to me, as the World of God is kind of radical. As within the World of God there is no disease, the pitfall is, to really think that this is true. And I know that this potential is true, and I guess that more than average, I am capable of physical health and healing, but, it takes a route to get there, and it is important to also admit this route and not arrogantly stand on the other side.

With healing comes vulnerability.

Through the injections lately, I have become a little bit tougher about how the medical world works. When I visited my docter a while ago, I hadn't seen one for about 6 years... And I recall that the doctor 6 years ago, also sent me home with not really something useful.

But I also understand or start to understand, I was then not willing to learn, or to know. I didn't want to know anything about it, because I was scared of the unknown.

Through this phase of pregnancy, I am getting more used to it and I am pretty content about how things in Holland are regulated, although, you must stay assertive and also see that the interaction between medical and individual are determining the walk of things.

M was so sweet to stand by me this morning. It was less boring. We were put into a little waiting room, as I was not allowed to walk or to pee, (at the end of the hallway), as then it would influence the outcome of the test.

So we took this time, to also talk about our relationship. I am ready for a new adventure. It has to do with sexuality per se. I think/feel that the problem within my manifestation process also is, that I am too much yin. I miss the adventurous side. As I was coming into the existing process of my work, it is normal, this started yin. So, you actually are saying: 'okay, this is going to be it', and then you wait, and you wait, and then 'no chicken is coming', like it was forecasted. And sometimes you take action, but taking action from the yin state is a little bit ... not effective.

I lack the sexual attraction. And I don't mean sexuality in the sense of seduction, because, when you proclaim yourself to be a messenger of God, it must not be about seduction. But....I lacked the other part, which is the Yang part. And within the last phase before the consult, it wasn't really possible to produce this state, as I was in another layer of my development. But now things are changing.

I can explain this through how things were going one year ago, or so. I was also in this yin kind of state. I felt, like going deeper into sexuality and this was okay with Rens, so I met my Tantric Yoga Teacher and we walked a path together and managed to make the yoga, or the way of yoga more energetic. He said, that it was seldom that he met someone, who was a yogi according to the booklet, or the 'normal' school. Like you can be academical schooled, but who was also very adventurous, and walking the path of nature and energy, so that the yoga could be really embodied through cosmic awareness into such a high degree.

As I was always afraid of regulation and the yoga world per se, I kept it outside of the booklet. But then also you become a sort of wild figure, not really registrated and stuff.

Now, yesterday, I decided, as I didn't know where to go, to registrate myself at the yoga institutions (as I am enough qualified), and I am also figuring out whether my kind of teaching/teacher training does meet the standards of a registrated school. It is not that I find registration important, but I also don't want to miss it, because I feel rejected per se. When you offer quality, then registration must be possible or so...

Also I am into different kind of courses, to deepen out my knowledge and skills. I didn't use to do this, as I felt to proud on one hand, but also because I was always afraid, that making mistakes or doing things wrongly would somehow affect your reputation. But now, I am really experiencing Yoga from the inside out, to make me as a yogi more complete.

Then today, we talked about our relationship and sex life. I can tell funny stories about this in the waiting room of Rens, because more was going on, than the eye could see, but I can't tell, as it also encompasses other people. But I knew at the least that we were going to bring the relationship towards a higher plan.

When I just entered this room, the sexuality thing already opened pretty much in a new kind of more transcendental, but also animalistic way. When God Enters the room, while having sex things can explode. But then also, it was of function and 'Bingo!' you have a child. But, this doesn't mean I have understood enough about all of this. Because the baby also changes things in the hormones, and because M was really put into work, and your life becomes really ordinary as daily duty calls, it is easy to get really bored and die in the Landscape.

So, a few blogs ago, I was already shouting for adventure, I mean create a job that would go over the whole world and stuff. But actually, I guess, I was also looking at my own home situation, as well as work, as well as love relationship. It is so easy to lose yourself in pregnancy and don't do anything and put yourself into second place in regards to everyone...

So, in the waiting room, I decided to go to Tantra Yoga together. Off course with some person, which I trusted as teacher, and to go deeper into this sexuality stuff. First to make the chemic of the relationship better. But also, to heal everything in my pregnancy. I mean, I read from the school of the naturalists, that giving birth can be orgastic. This is so opposite of all the medical care and the way the medical world looks at it. And thirdly, I want to draw my yoga towards a higher plan.

I want to be thoroughly in the yoga and also form organically a route, where I can work with all kinds of people, with all kinds of questions and themes from the inside out, instead of from Higher Knowledge! So, I am pretty much content about this step, as it also enhances my spiritual growth and works at all sides.

Then after the test, I wanted to eat somewhere, which was nice. We have been so sober in the latest months, like nothing was possible anymore. And we drove towards the fourth place in the Landscape, within our municipality. We didn't already have opened this option, of this fourth place. Someone in business already advised me to direct myself into that place when it comes to manifesting your yoga. As the public resembles the Amsterdam public the most.

I found a nice place to have some dinner and a chat and on our way, I bumped into a clothing shop, and I immediately knew: 'I have to go in there'. I saw a vest, which was 100% me. It was beyond my budget, but still for sale and not too expensive. I knew that I could live in that. And I took off my old vest, which I had bought for some years ago for 3,- and I put the new vest on. I felt renovated on the outside, but also, it was symbolic for me, that a new phase of more abundance is opening. And I feel more adventurous to step outside of the comfort zone.

The office which I rented at this moment has a multi folded function.
I can give my consults there.
I see it as an office and I put the half of the inventory there, which doesn't fit our home.
M can also practice his massage over there.

But I also feel that a part of my work is going to be through outside adventures: moving towards this and that, doing your thing. And to travel outward, instead of staying in one place. Also I see a function for the internet, of doing my thing. But now first, I focus on 4 products, which form a vehicle for my work:

1. Godaya Yoga Classes and seeing where to put them, but I have to be honest: my belly is like a balloon and I am revalidating from all kinds of pregnancy stuff.

2. The Book: Welcome in the Land of God. Dutch & English. I guess that this will be a book, I will become more open about. For most of the former books I was a bit ashamed, but this was also because I didn't feel free to do, as there was still lots of dependency on the Movement itself, while I am now Provided more room and Space by God and Rens to do my thing and come into Movement. It is my assignment.

3. Godaya Yoga Teacher Training, with as a subproject, see if this fits itself for registration or not. It is a balance between finding the way through all kinds of rules, but also figure out, whether it meets your own autonomy and the New Movement in God.

4. Building towards something, coming from Godaya Yoga and the Land of God, which is more interactive, knows more interaction, and works on all kind of different themes together with others.

For this, I first need to find my sexuality.
Let's move forward in the Land of God.


Godaya

I must Be Healing Itself.

Yesterday, I didn't write.

First it was because of a deadline, where I am in the middle of something.
I was in a hurry, brave, moving forward, thinking: 'see you later guys!'

Then the weather changed. And some vulnerable part within me was opening,
and I didn't want to share this vulnerability, thinking: 'don't see you later guys!'.

The emotions and turmoil of the last week has been hefty and it rolls over all sides.
I don't know which is true. It also has to do with visiting Nijmegen tomorrow.

I left the room of Rens rather insecure, and I feel even more insecure all the time,
as if I am made even more open. How open, can openness be?

On one hand there is the drive towards manifestation, moving forward, being brave,
I know God Likes this side, but it has to be balanced out with all of me.

He also Takes this process of me getting a baby, the physical side of it, as a chance
to really fully heal from the inside out.

In God, the Goddess, I wrote about my deepest fears. They were about the physical
bodies. One of the reasons for never being ill or be self sustainable within my own health
had not to do with healing capacity. Yes, it did in a way, but also a deeper fear lying beneath,
which is the physical vulnerability.

This ain't so weird given my birth circumstances. How vulnerable could a baby be and then
be so open to whatever was playing!

I learned to be tough and to everything alone. I had to, there was no other way of doing it.
Now, I sometimes notice or are brought back to the piece within me that needs help,
but is also not trustworthy of the help. It grows little by little.

At the same time there are big plans for Doing this and Doing that. Building up an enterprise.
Both are true, but off course contradicting each other at this moment.

It is hard to find the real balance between 'Just Go for it!' and 'Listen to what your body says,
listen to the Landscape!' Also there is outside pressure and inner pressure, which contradict
even more.

On one hand, I was fed up with ... all of this. I was laying connections to the outside world,
for wanting to do this and that, as I was cocooning a little bit too much lately. I finally stepped
out of the comfort zone, away from isolation and really looking for adventure outdoors, in regards
to Yoga, to the Books and all kinds of things.

But at the same time, I looked at the facts. I don't even have a car, to come to the appointment.
All here is a little bit too far, to go for it. I must order my own taxi driver for everything. On one
hand you are quite thankful for this. On the other hand, there are not so much hours left to make
things possible. Even tomorrow in Nijmegen, I can only make it there for a short time. I don't even
know how to talk about what it is I wanna talk about, because otherwise, I don't have the ability
for transport! On the other hand, conversations between Rens and I don't make any point of understanding. We only bump into misunderstandings. So what is the deal of talking, when you
always disagree and misunderstand? I am not even angry anymore for having to pay money for
this fact, as I consider God to Be a Final and Rectifying judge.

I was yelling yesterday, to wanna have my own car, so now I am more orientating about this. This
is already one step towards independence, but it immediately off course triggers the manifestation
process: 'you have to go for money to buy and finance your car and for that you have to go on adventure'.

I am now looking for places also outside our Landscape, to make the things going, despite having
no car, because it somehow resonates more to what I do, where I am and where the people are.
So this is new! I like this new fact, as it makes me more outgoing, but indeed, the traffic, the car,
the mobility thing is utmost important. But also, the physical independence!

If I wanna make the TT working, I need to gain all the confidence in my body again. I am able to
perform miracle healings, but at the same time haunted by my past, by physical vulnerability. Somehow I need to enter the space of healing again, where I have always been, which I always
considered the most normal thing in this world. The doctors never could tell me anything. I was my
own healer. But it almost is, like God Puts me into a space of this vulnerability, to really make the
healing part within me very steady and more outbalanced, by letting me know what it feels like to
be ill or vulnerable on the physical plane.

It is my own imprisonment, but also my greatest treasure, to work this out through time. To consider
this as a gift. To not only know how easy it is, to heal. But also to open up more empathy for the people, cannot come beyond a certain point from where they are. And to become stable and confident in this. Not out of rejection, but out of full acceptation.

To let go of the total image of being physically and psychologically strong. But to also not lose it too much, so that you lose all focus on healing.

I must not Do the Healing, I must not Undo the Healing,
I must Be the Healing Self.
Not from toughness, but from vulnerability.
Did you know that God Is full of contradictions?


Godaya

Boring Unpractical Sutra

Today, I guess, is an integration Friday.

Since I am more pregnant, I am also drawn inward to listen more carefully to what my body says.
It is a sort of anchor, within all the fluctuations around me.

Normally, I would react very much on the demands of the outside world.
Yesterday, for the first time I did not.

The outside challenges keep on coming and as this probably will always be so in the Land of God,
I'll not coincide anymore.

Yesterday, I became aware that people kind of always asking me to solve their outside stuff. I always felt sort of responsible, worried and out of control. And it was the control thing that made me help.

Yesterday, for the first time, I felt, that I didn't want to be in control. So, I let it more go and then things found another walk of passing by.

First there was deep guilt always. Now there is not the deep guilt, but more the irritation or frustration, but when I let this be also, then in the end there is nothing and this feels fine.

I have made a new brochure for Business Yoga and it suits well and I sent it to some companies. I make yoga applicable to all kinds of company questions. And I am going to make a book about it.

So you have Godaya Yoga Sutras, which is a bit religious, but the Yoga @ Work is more horizontally, let's not say for dummies. I am still wondering whether to use the word God in Godaya Yoga. Maybe, maybe not. Yesterday I was in relaxation class and the person explained, while doing namasté, that she explicitly didn't say God, while deep inside maybe she meant it.

I say explicitly God, but by God, I mean, the Pure Being, or G. next door, or Brahman, or Paramatman, or God, or Allah, or Jaweh, or the Buddha, or Mother Nature in the most primitive sense.

But by saying God aloud, things normally are starting to live an own life. Not because because of me, because I am a leek, not going to church, not choosing a religion, but because of everyone's past. But if you have to make every short sutra with all those names above, the sutras will be too long.

But, what is new off course, because of Vivication, that I don't mean the Divine Aspect within everyone. I mean the Divine Aspect out of everyone, the part which is new, not yet incarnated into human being, splitting up into human being, duplicating into human being.

I am still not sure..... as I am talking about the 'same' God as Rens, but it sometimes seems like we talk about a different God, as our experiences are so diverse and probably won't be the same. One of those reasons is that I am still releasing the whole controlling part of being a human being.

The reason for this might be, that he has never been really human, and that first I was made human and then was made differently, so I always am perceiving within those transitions of being normal towards abnormal, let's not say paranormal.

So, I always have to do with the before-and-after, while he is always talking about the after-the- before. Both make sense, because I cannot talk about the after-the-before, as then people think you are nuts, but also you ignore the before-the-after-aspects.

In a way, I am glad that there is a before-the-after.... I am glad, that I am given the natural time to live the before-the-after, just before the after-the-before takes place. It makes me experience the transformation very deeply and consciously, but I also wouldn't and couldn't catch up with me, when I would only talk about the after-the-before. I then would play a sort of game and not be really authentic. I then would be a New Human Being, without ever being a human being before.

This weekend is rather busy. We have all kinds of social obligations and also it will be our last weekend fully together. Due to obligations, also brought up by God, we are torn more apart, while living together.

So before-the-after, we couldn't live together and the house was almost too small for fights over this-and-that. And now we are used to each other, and really starting to like it, and then the after-the-before is drawing us more apart!

That is typically God.
You want, but you won't get.
And you get, but you don't want.

I want God.
God Doesn't Want me.
I don't want God.
God Wants me.

Doesn't He ever Gets Tired of His Own Freakishness?
You know who is really Abnormal?

God, I mean Pure Being, I mean G. Next Door, I mean Brahman, I mean Paramatman, I mean God, I mean Allah, I mean Jaweh, I mean Buddha, I mean Mother Nature in the Most Primitive Sense? = a Boring Unpractical Sutra, unpublished in Godaya Yoga Sutra.



Godaya

Proof-Print in Tha House!

I am like an animal.
I just do, walk, clean, fall asleep, blog, eat.
Not thinking, shall I do this, shall I do that.
When I fall asleep, I really fall asleep. I hope then that there is a bed beneath me.
When I feel hungry, I must eat.
Now, I must eat, but I also must blog.
So while I blog, the hunger builds up.
Cook, Godaya, Cook! You must eat!

Is this the hormones, or the directness of God?
The direct knowing?
Thou shall do, thou shall walk, thou shall clean, thou shall sleep, thou shall blog and thou shall eat?
Wouldn't that be easy?

The Proof-Print is in Tha House!

I re-read, and I mostly stop thinking, weather it is 'me' who is getting nuts.
Or, whether it 'is' me, who is getting nuts.
Or, whether it is me, who is getting 'nuts'.

Nuts, nuts, nuts? my stomach is yelling for anything eatable.
I just remember, before sleeping eating a whole scale of Thai Food.
I came home from cleaning, which by the way went so fast like a whirl-wind,
'direct cleaning', that there was nothing to clean, running for 'Thai Thai'.
What is is wrong with me?

I probably have to 'go'.
'go insane'.

'Listen to my kitchen sink....' Bottle ting-ting.
'This is where I start to think....' Bottle ting-ting.
'When I am getting on the blink.....' Bottle ting-ting.
Of madness....'

This was the phrase of the Song of the Goddess (=movie-musical).

Yo, what's app? The Proof-Print is in Tha House!
To be continued.
When I don't eat, when I am hungry,
this is what you God.
I mean this is what you Get.

Divine Mystic, by Godaya.

New Nature

How marvellous is nature!

Yesterday was a moving day.
We went to see the echo,
I mean to take an echo, to see the baby.

I used to be quite scared of embryos and foetus and stuff.
But God Taught me the way.
During my first weeks, He Brought me consistently into contact with
new born animals and pictures and stuff.
Now, I find it the funniest thing there is!
It is all a bunch of cells becoming this or that.
But the exquisiteness of God is that He Knows and Leads directly if it is going to be this or that.
And that is why a species is maybe the same, but why no animal, no human being is exactly the same.

It is funny to see a mini-me, or a mini-he in a big screen, while lying down.
I never saw such a small and active heart.
The baby was already moving and had a facial expression of its own.
I don't know if I imagine it, but it looked quite satisfied, happy, laid back and relaxed,
while also being movable, discovering arms and legs and stuff.
It is still small, but bigger than expected.

It ain't twins, and somehow, I am quite relieved.
Twins would be fine as well, but with the Authenticity of God, it would be a bit....?
weird maybe to have the Authenticity duplicated.
Also it would not be really practical, as a child must be also practically fit into daily routines
and God Makes me to make a Stand in the Doing.
Moreover I find it remarkable, that God Makes me make a Stand in the Doing,
while also providing me a baby.
But that Is God, you never get it the easy way, but in the end, it will all fit together and
even multiply in its outcome.
I somehow feel that this child is already bringing me blessings and helping me to take
a stand in general.

With my own abnormal start, of non-acceptance, doing everything by myself, weird stuff
happening all around me, it is somehow such a relieve to have this 'normal' pregnancy,
and actually seeing something moving your belly! Until yesterday, we still had the fear of
making the whole pregnancy up, but how funny it then is to see a little Being having installed
him/herself in the Hotelroom of your Belly!

Having that said, we went to the Municipality to acknowledge the child.
We agreed on giving it both surnames in a row. To stay balanced.
But then we heard that the Dutch Law doesn't agree and that we must pick one.
First of all, we sat in a wooden cabin, of which I recall myself having the documents signed
for my former marriage. Then it was only one year ago, (not even) for having the divorce stuff
settled here. Then it was half a year ago, for having the marriage of my sister, and now we had to
decide within a few minutes, which surname the unborn child should have.

When Marvin and I see each other after a week, we always need some time to get on one line,
during the weekend it goes smoothly, but in the beginning it is always two lines. And this was
exactly such a moment of meeting after a week.
So, stupid arguments passed the scenery, for
doing this or that.
I said: 'Let's throw some coins'.
He said: 'It doesn't matter, I thought it was both names'.
I said: 'What do you want?'
He said: 'What do you want?'
We both said: 'I don't know'.
Some minutes past away.
The emancipation-stuff went through my mind.
Marvin's deceased father went through my mind.
The rens went through my mind.
The pizzeria went through my mind.
Still, I didn't know. He didn't know.

I recalled that earlier that day, but also many times before, we had discussed the fact of doing risk-research for birth and genetic complications. I was against it. He wanted it.
I was against it, because, I don't want technology to spoil the enjoyment of life and I don't want the pregnancy to be sorrowful, while you have no guarantee, and I just don't want to know, as it is how it IS. The echo-center, had us make this discussion again.
Then we agreed on Fiorenza, as an hommage to the diseased father (he did make place in the family system), and I negotiated that I didn't go for the risk-test. (The lawyer in me). Also I like the name, as it is 'renzing' around the world and you never know if the child is going to take over my pizzeria ;),
and if we break up, then at least we know who the father is ;)).
Okay... this is always how it goes, when we first meet after one week. During the weekends the true love develops...

Talking about the pizzeria, I have to go!

Godaya

That is what friends are for.

I am in a room, where I have to remind myself of everything.

I have to remind myself, that I have to pay rent.
I have to remind myself, to write my blog.
Most of the time I forget, I walk through the Land of God.

It is okay.

Most of the things now are happening in details.
I live in a microcosm, like I am a little ant, and then I get my own proportion back
and I keep on track again with the normal world.

One moment I am small and vulnerable, as I know myself.
Then I am really strong again, capable, effective, as I know myself.

God at this moment is not a big authority, who I worship.
God at this moment is another little ant, a little friend, a small companion.

We chat a lot.
At this moment it is good, to have such a good friend.
That is what I need.

Godaya

The Open Land

The not knowing becomes stronger, and therefore the direct knowing becomes stronger.
The idea is knowing directly and then let it dissolve into not knowing.
It is a dance through time. You must keep on moving.

Before you know, the knowing becomes stronger than the not knowing and then a story
originates from a story, while it is about no story and no images at all.

The not knowing is higher than the knowing.
Therefore from the not knowing, one knows, but as soon as the other asks:
'How do you know', you are not supposed to know.

You must then leave it up to God.
Knowing must be without any conclusion, as a conclusion, tightens the room of infinite
possibility to arise.
Knowing must be without any conclusion, as a conclusion, tightens the room of infinite
space into morality.

The function of the Seer is to fall together with the moment and then leave.
By the leaving it happens.
That is also why Jesus had to leave.

The not knowing is the most beautiful conclusion to make out of something.
It is a must be.
It must be it.
It must be without the knowing.

What if you know and you cannot pretend to don't know?
Then, either leave it, as it must not become of interest.
Or, stay, but make yourself look into it from an even more complete situation,
by stepping out of the comfort-zone, into the unknown and see what happens.

Don't stop moving.
When you know, you stop moving.
You must keep on moving.




















Godaya

Adam and Eve on Ice

Guess I am in a new space, and that I still cannot believe the space that I am in.

Can't even recall what all happened.
The unknowing, not knowing, no past, only future starts to reign here.

Just entered it.
Guess it is amazing.
But unbelievable.

The weird thing is, it is so simple, so light, so delicate.
Is this God?

Always had those amazing images about how it would be.
And in the end, it is so simple, so light, so delicate.

It is innocent bliss.
Can't believe I have reached it.
Can't believe I may stay here.

Can't believe I do exist.

Paradise on Earth is indeed possible.
Don't ask me how I got there.
It took me about many books.

Life is a joke.
I indeed do understand why Adam and Eve had to leave Paradise.
It was so normal, so unreal, that they had to learn the other truth to recall
it was real.

I now know that Paradise is an Earthly Opportunity.

Don't ask me how I got here.
It took me many books to do so,

Godaya in Paradise.

Beauty and bliss.

Pep-Talk

Somewhere in the Land of God, I am.
I am hiding for myself.

Maybe I like it too much here.
Maybe I don't wanna go down.

Maybe the no man's land is soothing me and nourishing me.
Maybe, maybe.

I learned to un-rush.
I feel like a baby, like I don't want to go.
It's so comfortable in here.

The Reading is so recognizable for where I am.
There are so many ideas.
There is so much knowledge.
There is so much ability.
I almost have to cry.

Nowadays, I see, hear so much people who invented the wheel.
But I have the wheel.
And I don't use it.
Yes, I use it on the unknown.

God is comforting me. I don't have to rush.
I can stay here for a while.
If people would meet me and ask what it is that I am doing,
I almost can't explain.

There is so much ability. There is so much creation. There is so much healing. What if you would
invent chocolate, which could heal cancer? What if you could invent water, which could heal fears.
What if your water would really transmit the Love of God? What if you would invent the dreamcatchers, which would surely protect your house? What if you would make perfume, which would cleanse your aura? What if you would bake bread, which would feed you with the power of God? What if you would produce a Magazine, where the words would heal your mind? What if you would make a hospital for sick and ill animals?

What if? What if?
These ideas are so close to me.
I know I can realize them all.
Still I am sitting on my bed again, writing this blog.

I now do understand more of myself.
Most of the people are willing to do that, but can't.
I can do that, but won't.
And I don't know why this is.

Maybe deep within me, I don't believe in myself.
It doesn't matter what the assignment is: within a few months I learned myself to cook and bake.
If I have to exploit a mine tomorrow, I'll make it work within a few months.
I can make everything out of nothing.
This is not meant to be arrogant, but this is what life has shown me so far.
I was one of the first women, that lied beneath the ice with the Iceman,
just within two days, while never have been really in snow before.
Through this little experience I now also know how to set and reset your cells and heal physical
illness from within and as my energy pervades the bodies of many, I also am able to reset it in others.
Moreover, I not only know it, but I also do have the didactical way to explain this for people,
so that an idea doesn't have to die in vain, because you knew it, but couldn't talk about it.

I talked about this with Rens.
He said: 'the most beautiful thing would be, that you healed it, and didn't know you did it'.
So the discussion wasn't even about: 'can you do it or not', but about 'how to do it, or not'.
So I really need to reach this point.
The point that it doesn't matter that it works like this. That you have anything to do with it.

Within me there is a part, which is afraid of dying, without having all this shared with the people,
or executed. So this is one of the frustrations.
The second thing, that I am afraid of, is the naivety of man. There is still a part within man, that needs to die. Man now feels comfortable and is not willing to do this voluntarily.
And if one is, because he sees/feels/believes it is working, then the outer world is not willing to let this happen, as everyone does have an own interest in people being ill.
We now do yell maybe at the pharmaceutic world, but it is not only that. I am also talking about family members here in general, or nurses or doctors, if you would really look deeply in the believe system of the 'helping' and 'supporting' part, really really deeply, then most of the time people don't want or like change. So much help is based on making things better, while beneath the surface, it is all about control. I know this, because I have been there myself.
The third thing, that I am afraid of, is that I cannot be social within who I am. The messenger is oftentimes the one that puts the impression and makes people do something or do nothing. To act or
to non act. Here I am getting to a point with myself.

I just cannot be my freaking self in this world.
I just cannot be my freaking self in this world.
I need more openness about who I am.
But the outside world doesn't let me be.
Because, when I am myself, then the rest of the world either

-ignores me.
-resents me.
-declines me.
-is afraid of me.

As this still is so, other powers are still in charge.

Why?

It was already read, that before I would let the light shine through me for always, and do what I came here to do, and therefore necessarily would be visible, that I would test these things within human connections.

I guess that the world is not ready. And I guess that I am not ready to stand in my authority.

Therefore.

So, today, let's clean again and be no-one.

Godaya

Incredible Indeed!

Happy Mothers-day!

At this moment, I keep on walking in the Land of God.
Yesterday, after a sort of hefty day with Marvin, as all things started to shift again within the common fields, I got onto a new theme.

Really, during the weekdays, all kind of abnormal things happen.
But during the weekends also all kind of abnormal things happen.

As we visited someone in the hospital, people started to be a little curious about what it was,
what I did (I guess, for a living). This is one of the most normal questions in Holland, just as ordinary
as asking or talking about the weather.

And I find it so impossible to answer this questions straight and directly!
I figure out:
-Am I here to open up and is this process about opening up and then handle the conscious and unconscious reactions?
-Am I here to be silent and hide myself, to stay as much in the comfortzone as possible and pretend I only clean and bake cupcakes? Like I am a mother without children (yet)...

I am not sure yet. Sometimes I open up, if I have had it with the cup-cake talk. But then I feel so exposed! And then all of a sudden the distance between where you are and where the people are is so visible and sensible, that I wonder....

Who is to overcome this un-comfortzone? Do the people need to walk and do I need to draw people in it? Or, do I have to keep on walking, wait another 10 years, until life and the world is more ready, so that people will indeed understand?

I explained a bit, that baking cakes, was only a metaphor for what I am indeed doing. The Godayerie is a collective name of all things that I am doing to share God amongst people. Whether this will be about buying perfume, eating cakes, cleaning houses, produce music, it doesn't matter. It is a sort of labaratory where all is possible and all can be expirimented. God Divides, Comes along.

They liked the 'idea'.

I was not out in the open about God. I said: 'I am spreading energy, let's call it love, in all kinds of forms'. -> people do understand, but maybe this is too general. Maybe I must call it 'New Love'.

But also, sometimes people ask about my name. Where does it come from? To avoid weird situations, I say: 'I come from Korea, but I am Dutch and have Dutch Parents'. But then this ain't a real answer on the question. The real answer is though: 'Godaya comes from the Land of God'.

Do you understand, what would happen, if I would state this, when people are just for fun asking me about cupcakes and stuff? (I don't make cup-cakes -> I make Cho-Godayas, Godayons, Panaras, Sweet Mar-Go's and Little Junipers).

'Then who gave you that name? And where lies the Land of God?'
How to explain 'this', without losing elegance and credibility?
It is indeed 'incredible'.

It sounds like a concept, but what if this whole thing is more than a phantasy?
Am I then not meeting exactly the same impossible impossibility as our J.C. did a long time ago?
This was a little bit the answer on Marvin's question, why I was a little nervous, while answering
the persons in the hospital. I now see, that the inside world is indeed different than the outside world.
But hey, ain't this the adventure and mission, I was born and impatient for?

I trust then on God, that He Will Fix this impossible bridge.
God Says: 'this can only be fixed in time'.
You know God: I finally feel a lot of patience to get this bridge fixed.
Somehow it is also very safe for me to cocoon in No-mansland, in the enormous Desert of God.

Today God has brought a (for me) big group together, to taste the High Tea with G.
What a marvelous day!

Godaya

Nijmegen, The Netherlands

Since yesterday, I am making a trip towards Nijmegen.
This has been the longest journey ever, but I'll get there.

Remarkable things were happening at work. Everywhere I come remarkable things happen.
I am not sure if I like it. I understand now, why Rens wanted to merge me with society.
Everywhere I go, people either get wondrously healed, or getting insane.
It has to become more stable.

These few months have been, I guess like Hell. On one hand I was fighting my own ego
stuff, but once I was fully in acceptance, the world became sort of my enemy. But I am still
going strong.

The world is the pallet of God. He doesn't mind you to use the world to destroy whatever is
unreal. I wish all could be more peaceful. On my path, there were 3 life threatening situations
on me.
Nobody did it.

In the meantime I have been humiliated to the bone.
It not only had to do with old stuff and programming. People are really weird, out of control.
And on top of that two of my family members were/are terminal.

It's not just death which you look into the eye all the time.
It is all the emotions. People who cannot handle it any more,
and use their frustration on others.
During my normal day, everybody is ill. Where was my 'normal' life again?

The weak get wondrous healings. The strong are collapsing, and all you do is Being there or
Not Being there. But then again, not being there is not an option. You are owned and you must
withdraw you, but if you do, you also don't have peace of mind for doing so.
The weak find it the most normal thing that at one time they cannot breathe, or walk,
but suddenly can breathe or walk. On the meantime you are humiliated for getting the
wrong drink, for using the wrong towel.

I knew this was still going to happen, as I am also walking around in my Korea Story.
I don't want it to be my story, but it actually is. I hope this will be the latest story!

Yesterday, first of all, a person that I healed, while cleaning was humiliating me through the
nurse. I was sent home, did show no respect for Allah, and used the wrong towels. I wasn't
told by the client, I was told by the nurse, who isn't even my boss. To clean, okay. To stay in
the unseen, while going through the whole illness okay. But I was condemned for something
that I didn't do and that the client already told me and I already did. I felt so humiliated. Still the situation is about forgiveness.

Secondly, I baked my cookies for a patient, who was also healed by me going through the whole
physical-process. The healing was considered to be a miracle of the self, which is okay, as long as it works. God the God-factor was thrown away, also my cookies were thrown away,
to be considered dangerous.

Then also two persons, I know, collapsed, psychologically.

I now recall again one of the main lessons from earlier times: Ask people, if they want to be
healed, or else don't. But what, if God puts you into the psyches and bodies of everyone? Where
are the boundaries of an energy, which is limitless.

And... must one always be a hidden healer? How about being able to cure many,
but not being able to do it, while at the same time looking at all the Earthly drama's, praying for a cure?

This all happened, when I just missed the train towards Nijmegen. 24 hours later, I was wondering
around in Utrecht. Now I am on my way to Nijmegen again. Not bringing only my own story,
but also that of many others.

My mother just called me to visit a museum. Yes, I do want this so badly. Just walk through a museum,
and like the beaux arts, but now I am on my way to Nijmegen, pinning the extra money of the short-
come of last consult. At least now I do have it. Although I am still not able to cover my rent.

Yesterday, I asked a question about having friends in the Land of God. The answers I received
were different. It I guess depends on where you are, how you are brought up, how you Rens.....
So many people and so many opinions. I don't like the fact that the colorful spectrum of people is
still separated and hidden. But I will respect it, but I hope (personally),
that this spectrum of people becomes more visible. But that is my opinion.

Let's give my own answer, based on empirical situations:

Since 1,5 years I am able to and must merge with the world of the old structures. About 1 year I was hesitating to do so. I didn't understand why this was... Was it the comfort? The safety? The not being
able to merge? I don't know. I waited, until God forced me to Go. So I went.

For me there is no difference between rensing people and non rensing people. Only the fact that you sometimes understand from an empirical background more about what is happening and people not
immediately consider you to be nuts. At the same time, all themes keep on playing.

But, I did learn, that when I invite people to come into my world, their life and structure is torn apart
completely. I am not overestimating here. Things about life and death come to surface. You feel
kind of guilty about this, because, if you weren't there, it wouldn't have happened. I keep on going,
and when pulled back into an old structure, it is only for the time being, as I don't have a structure.
I must only separate it again. But when you leave, the other falls and you don't know if the other will
make it without you. When you stay, you are caught in a web, you musn't be in. So one is not good and the other is also not good. And as my normal pattern was always to run away, I now see what will
happen if I stay. Am I strong enough?

The question still remains: If three parties are intertwined in the same story: human being, God and evil,
where does this leave me? And what about goodness?

And the other question still remains: The Land of God will be there. The fact is already stated, by the Higher Power, so sooner or later, these things, which I do describe here will happen to many. I guess it is a natural law. Then why not do it now?

I go, and I am not going to wait.

I pray for a better fate, when I finally do receive in Nijmegen. I am at Arnhem now.....

Godaya

The Incense of God

As I write the title down, I like the word: Incense. It almost is like 'innocence'.

Sometimes, just like yesterday, God comes in me and then I smell like Incense. This is weird.
A few months ago, I was typing Rens, and more times, I wrote just in the middle of a sentence,
what is this incense I smell? It sometimes came along with me giving yoga, or giving a healing, or writing a mail, and I moved on with my story.

Then very unexpected Rens wrote me back: 'The incense comes instead of God'. It's not always there,
but I have to think about the thing that they burn in church and that they keep in their hands to 'bless' (?) something, like a coffin, when people die. Sometimes I am 'that thing' (?).

Anyways, yesterday evening, the incense came back from my chest when I was giving an intense healing to someone. It comes from my heart and I was happy that it was there, because just that afternoon, I had totally freaked out on Rens. So you do that, and in a way you know that it is okay, and in a way, you know he will accept, but then it is really soothing to know that God is still with you, when you do your work.

At this moment I am living in a marvelous time and at this moment I am also living in a hard time. The thing is, it is really difficult to discern what is yours and what is the other. At the moment I feel better, then everybody is feeling worse. People are cluttered, taking over all the burden of others subconsciously. At this moment I am having two chemo stories in my neighborhood. I used to take this over. Now others do it. What to say and what to do with this? Why are people not living their own lives?

The question is simple: They are too small and incomplete, so the moment that they become vulnerable and open, there is so much burden in the world that awaits them.

I am double here, as I am that person, who is small, but I am also the person, which is beyond small and looks at it and experiences it from the other perspective. It depends on where I am within the Landscape. At this moment I am getting stronger, bigger, less vulnerable. But I know how it feels to live with other people's burdens. It is heavy, ineffective, irrational and people don't know what is happening to them.

'This is how the world works'.

It also happens the other way around with very innocent stuff: 'I was mailing Rens the ingredients of the salad I was making yesterday'. It was a good tasty salad. Then some moments later Marvin sms-t me the salad he was eating and he called me all the ingredients. He was probably mailing me, because he felt better or wanted to seduce me with this salad. I said: 'Marvin, you are eavesdropping me!' He then doesn't know. But when I mail to Rens, f.e. that I have to go to the Albert Heijn, but are too tired, then Marvin starts sms-ing me: 'Godaya, have you already go to the Albert Heijn?', this is ridiculous! When I am angry at Rens, then just some time later Marvin calls me, and he is very pissed with the whole world.

It not only is with him. It is with clients, with all kinds of people.... Yesterday, I was baking Godayons. I put too much sugar and vanilla in it. They are nice, but it is almost like a flan or a creme brulee. Cooking is really an art. You have to be very patient. Today I worship and celebrate, because I don't have to clean. Also I made a nice brochure for the Panara Retreats! They will be sent out soon...

Enjoy the Friday.

Godaya

Lower than the help of Cook = 0,5 Rens

Okay,
where to begin?

I just came from Nijmegen.
I was a bit double layered.

It was like at the dentist.
You hate it when you are in.
You love it, when you walk out.

So, what happened.
I walked in, and I got really pissed.
Why? I tell you in another story.

And I walked out, and bumped into a friend of God,
and then I was no longer pissed.

With pissed, I mean, pissig.
But I don't know if it is the correct word.
I was already laughing.

What happened?
Not so much.
I just spent 70,- euros on no answer.
None!

To be honest, the consult was 75,-.
So when you have to visit still, it is 5 euro raised.
Off course I already wrote about this in: Wie renst er mee in het Land van God.
I knew it, but somehow, I already knew I was going to be pissed, so I kind of was lazy
in the understanding.... I am so sorry to be so greedy.
Moreover, God was so very nice, to give 5,- yesterday through a sweet client of me.
When I am typing this, the incence is coming out of my chest again.
God, I Love U.
How can Rens be so unpolite to 'US'.
But then again, Rens is also an 'US', who tells me I am more 'Him'.

So, now I am more 'Him', but I am incomplete, and therefore things won't succeed, still.
So, He, talks to she, who is HE, 50%, not finished yet, and therefore not succeeding.
Then I had like 12 questions.
All questions were not answered.
And the few questions, that were answered,
were exactly answered in the way, that I didn't want to hear.
This is because I don't have to know.

So, as I was pissed, I was first walking to a shop in the neighborhood.
I was almost going to buy a jewel of 5,-, just because I was pissed.
But then, I thought, this is wrong, as this 5,- should have been paid to Rens.
Then I walked to the train.
The train didn't come.
So then again, I went to a sandwich shop, and I bought the sandwich for 5,-,
I just couldn't stand it.
This was at least different than the story in Wie renst er mee in het Land van God,
in the book, I was missing the sandwich, for a consult with no answers.

Okay, why am I pissed?
Because I was actually going to hear, how things must succeed.
Then Rens kind of directed me, like I also somehow riddled in the book,
that I had to find a job.
But I applied for more than 1,5 years for a job.
Then he told me the jobs were too high.
Then I said, I also had tried the lower jobs.
Then he kept on saying, I had to even look for even lower jobs.

Don't understand me wrong here.
It is not that I want to discriminate anyone with higher or lower jobs.
At least that is not my intention.

It has to do with that after 8,5 years of Rens,
I am now 50% Rens,
applying for a lower than a lower job.

I had a multifunctional brains.
Worked 6 years a multifunctional lawyer job.
Multifunctioned 3 years at a school as head of 30 projects.
Was head editor of a Magazine.
And owner of a Yoga School.

I already made peace with that coming out for God would take a while.
I already made peace with that you are not your job. You are not your work.
I already made peace with that it doesn't matter anything if you have money or no money.
I already made peace with that you had to think small.

And now, Rens is telling me, that applying for a cook is too high and I need to
apply for doing the dishes or cleanse kitchens or houses.

So, now I applied for cleansing Artis, just as I applied a few months ago to
work in the Management. Alright. This is the only way to earn more Rens-points,
and bring 50% up.

You know with God, in the end, you have tears in your eyes, because you made
such good friends near the Elephant's shit. Maybe I finally become an animal lover.
I was going to ask Rens about making G-TV, as an inspirational channel for God,
to make my blogs more visual.

But then again: making movies of dishes, mwa.
At this moment I am Godaya, who is 50% Rens, who is applying for lower than the help
of a cook, smelling of incense, while reaping the poop.

Let's move on in the Land of God.

Godaya