I must Be Healing Itself.

Yesterday, I didn't write.

First it was because of a deadline, where I am in the middle of something.
I was in a hurry, brave, moving forward, thinking: 'see you later guys!'

Then the weather changed. And some vulnerable part within me was opening,
and I didn't want to share this vulnerability, thinking: 'don't see you later guys!'.

The emotions and turmoil of the last week has been hefty and it rolls over all sides.
I don't know which is true. It also has to do with visiting Nijmegen tomorrow.

I left the room of Rens rather insecure, and I feel even more insecure all the time,
as if I am made even more open. How open, can openness be?

On one hand there is the drive towards manifestation, moving forward, being brave,
I know God Likes this side, but it has to be balanced out with all of me.

He also Takes this process of me getting a baby, the physical side of it, as a chance
to really fully heal from the inside out.

In God, the Goddess, I wrote about my deepest fears. They were about the physical
bodies. One of the reasons for never being ill or be self sustainable within my own health
had not to do with healing capacity. Yes, it did in a way, but also a deeper fear lying beneath,
which is the physical vulnerability.

This ain't so weird given my birth circumstances. How vulnerable could a baby be and then
be so open to whatever was playing!

I learned to be tough and to everything alone. I had to, there was no other way of doing it.
Now, I sometimes notice or are brought back to the piece within me that needs help,
but is also not trustworthy of the help. It grows little by little.

At the same time there are big plans for Doing this and Doing that. Building up an enterprise.
Both are true, but off course contradicting each other at this moment.

It is hard to find the real balance between 'Just Go for it!' and 'Listen to what your body says,
listen to the Landscape!' Also there is outside pressure and inner pressure, which contradict
even more.

On one hand, I was fed up with ... all of this. I was laying connections to the outside world,
for wanting to do this and that, as I was cocooning a little bit too much lately. I finally stepped
out of the comfort zone, away from isolation and really looking for adventure outdoors, in regards
to Yoga, to the Books and all kinds of things.

But at the same time, I looked at the facts. I don't even have a car, to come to the appointment.
All here is a little bit too far, to go for it. I must order my own taxi driver for everything. On one
hand you are quite thankful for this. On the other hand, there are not so much hours left to make
things possible. Even tomorrow in Nijmegen, I can only make it there for a short time. I don't even
know how to talk about what it is I wanna talk about, because otherwise, I don't have the ability
for transport! On the other hand, conversations between Rens and I don't make any point of understanding. We only bump into misunderstandings. So what is the deal of talking, when you
always disagree and misunderstand? I am not even angry anymore for having to pay money for
this fact, as I consider God to Be a Final and Rectifying judge.

I was yelling yesterday, to wanna have my own car, so now I am more orientating about this. This
is already one step towards independence, but it immediately off course triggers the manifestation
process: 'you have to go for money to buy and finance your car and for that you have to go on adventure'.

I am now looking for places also outside our Landscape, to make the things going, despite having
no car, because it somehow resonates more to what I do, where I am and where the people are.
So this is new! I like this new fact, as it makes me more outgoing, but indeed, the traffic, the car,
the mobility thing is utmost important. But also, the physical independence!

If I wanna make the TT working, I need to gain all the confidence in my body again. I am able to
perform miracle healings, but at the same time haunted by my past, by physical vulnerability. Somehow I need to enter the space of healing again, where I have always been, which I always
considered the most normal thing in this world. The doctors never could tell me anything. I was my
own healer. But it almost is, like God Puts me into a space of this vulnerability, to really make the
healing part within me very steady and more outbalanced, by letting me know what it feels like to
be ill or vulnerable on the physical plane.

It is my own imprisonment, but also my greatest treasure, to work this out through time. To consider
this as a gift. To not only know how easy it is, to heal. But also to open up more empathy for the people, cannot come beyond a certain point from where they are. And to become stable and confident in this. Not out of rejection, but out of full acceptation.

To let go of the total image of being physically and psychologically strong. But to also not lose it too much, so that you lose all focus on healing.

I must not Do the Healing, I must not Undo the Healing,
I must Be the Healing Self.
Not from toughness, but from vulnerability.
Did you know that God Is full of contradictions?


Godaya