Even though the Being builds up and provides a deep feeling of 'whatever happens, it is not happening', or, 'Just let it happen', 'It just is' and stuff,
I come to know that Life isn't perfect.
I know this already for my whole life. But you then make something out of it.
I stopped doing this, just to see and accept reality as it is.
But then you are put in the middle of situations, where you have to do something, or give up.
The acceptation becomes wider, but must not become indifference. One should protect and maintain life.
This week was ultimately weird and unrestful. Not only are we coped in the middle of two movements/movings from one place to another, which always causes unrest fulness and in-between-things-emotions...
Also I was going to celebrate my birthday, but at the same time or in the same week, a good friend, which is also a family member passed away. He chose this himself and I understand this choice.
It brought me into a deep process in a way, no, I am more independent from his choice, I could be in and out on my own strength and in that way I am becoming stronger, but it make me feel and think (yes I sometimes wonder....).
He had enough of this life and I do indeed understand this. I also have had enough of this life. But as I am in the Hereafter already and literally, I do understand from this experienced point of view, that it makes no sense to pass over, as it won't solve, but it will give or provide some rest to come out of the loop. But I do indeed deeply understand one's motives to go. I guess I also wanna go, because my daily reality shows me repeatedly: life is not fair and ain't perfect indeed. Really, I really want to make something different out of it, but this is what reality is about. Reality is about not making something different out of it and still survive.
Then there is the not fitting into society, which we both shared and therefore, when we spoke, or didn't speak, there was immediately recognition. We are and were both really different from other people. It just didn't click-in even beyond all the moments of great fun.
Now God Has Done a bunch of stuff to get this straighter for me. I click in easily, but there is always a great part of me, the greatest part of me, not clicking-in. It doesn't fit, it didn't fit and it won't fit. I tried everything, the fitting doesn't work. It only works, when I make myself 10x smaller than I am.
By pleasing and betraying myself, I also betray others. By not pleasing and being honest, people are afraid for who I really am, a strong, wise and assertive woman, quite unusual and weird. By just being anonymous, doing my thing, the results are best. By just being no one, the work of G is done best and most successful. But within every other form, every other adaption in who I am not, it just doesn't work and doesn't fit. I started to really look honestly towards 'am I running away from something', I mean sometimes reality shows that you are really not qualified. I am quite honest about that....
At this moment I am trying to fit in into the yoga/spiritual world. I ran away from this in the Capitol. I didn't want to face it. It is a tough cookie at the least. It seems like the most easiest world, because people are tolerant, more open and new. Well, reality at this moment shows me quite the opposite. It could be, because I am rather small in this new world, again. I mean small in the world of how people are doing to be existent and tough.
But this world has a double layered thing: it talks and advertises about love and purity, but at the same time, I see and feel the opposite all the time. It's no big deal. It is just how life is. I guess that a great deal of life is unfair, but that in the end, you must become so strong and assertive and open hearted, that you can take and carry this and still survive.
It made me doubt deeply: if I even don't fit into this world, then what kind of world is there for me? He says: 'there must be some time and place, somewhere, where you can or will click in', this is necessary, as I am given the opportunity for self realisation in Being and Doing. So I have to make this work somewhere on this timeline. I also saw him wonder (what will it be, after we already tried all).
I look into this world, and I wonder.... I tried everything. If there is somewhere out there a place and a time, where I click in...., then I guess it is up to G to show it to me. Maybe after all this time, I should stop trying, seeking, do my best for it, please, kneel, and make myself smaller and different from who I really am. It didn't work, it doesn't work and it won't work. If there is an impossibility .... there must also be a possibility in this universe: I invite it to my life.
Dear friend, rest peacefully. In the great spectrum of trial and error, I feel you are brave to chose your own path. I guess you met your technical necessity in a way. I hope that.... Lots of light. Have a great journey....
Grab a star for me!
Godaya
August 2nd, workshop Open Heart Yoga. reservations: godayame@icloud.com
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