New Adventure

The Energy starts to move me, step by step....

I am already busy from this morning onwards.
At 8 pm, I had to be at the medical centre, to re-test my blood.
I was not about to eat, and then blood was tapped, then I had to drink a lot of sugar and wait for 2 hours, before the blood was tapped again.

I notice how Pregancy has two sides of the medal.
On one hand, there is the romanticism, of how things are and the chits and the chats.
On the other hand, there is reality, of how things are....

Within pregnancy Land, there are two schools:
1. One school sees pregnancy as an illness as you are getting all kinds of physical complaints, which are normally not there. They cannot be really helped through medical intervention. It is just a symptom. Then within this, there is a medical part, which emphasises this as a problem and deals with it like it is a problem. And there is another part, which just accepts this reality as it is, and rather pampers: 'this is just normal, try to accept it and to relax a bit. Enjoy pregnancy.

2, The other school sees pregnancy as a part within an enlightenment process, and goes back to nature and is even romantic about this, so that complications could sometimes be ignored.

I guess that I am someone who stands in between. But they have to work together.
So at the least it is good, to be sure that you have taken all the legitimate routes and trust the people who know more about it, but on the other hand it is important to stay critical and ask good questions and also feel that you are always in charge, even when things happen, which you don't like.

This standing in between is new to me, as the World of God is kind of radical. As within the World of God there is no disease, the pitfall is, to really think that this is true. And I know that this potential is true, and I guess that more than average, I am capable of physical health and healing, but, it takes a route to get there, and it is important to also admit this route and not arrogantly stand on the other side.

With healing comes vulnerability.

Through the injections lately, I have become a little bit tougher about how the medical world works. When I visited my docter a while ago, I hadn't seen one for about 6 years... And I recall that the doctor 6 years ago, also sent me home with not really something useful.

But I also understand or start to understand, I was then not willing to learn, or to know. I didn't want to know anything about it, because I was scared of the unknown.

Through this phase of pregnancy, I am getting more used to it and I am pretty content about how things in Holland are regulated, although, you must stay assertive and also see that the interaction between medical and individual are determining the walk of things.

M was so sweet to stand by me this morning. It was less boring. We were put into a little waiting room, as I was not allowed to walk or to pee, (at the end of the hallway), as then it would influence the outcome of the test.

So we took this time, to also talk about our relationship. I am ready for a new adventure. It has to do with sexuality per se. I think/feel that the problem within my manifestation process also is, that I am too much yin. I miss the adventurous side. As I was coming into the existing process of my work, it is normal, this started yin. So, you actually are saying: 'okay, this is going to be it', and then you wait, and you wait, and then 'no chicken is coming', like it was forecasted. And sometimes you take action, but taking action from the yin state is a little bit ... not effective.

I lack the sexual attraction. And I don't mean sexuality in the sense of seduction, because, when you proclaim yourself to be a messenger of God, it must not be about seduction. But....I lacked the other part, which is the Yang part. And within the last phase before the consult, it wasn't really possible to produce this state, as I was in another layer of my development. But now things are changing.

I can explain this through how things were going one year ago, or so. I was also in this yin kind of state. I felt, like going deeper into sexuality and this was okay with Rens, so I met my Tantric Yoga Teacher and we walked a path together and managed to make the yoga, or the way of yoga more energetic. He said, that it was seldom that he met someone, who was a yogi according to the booklet, or the 'normal' school. Like you can be academical schooled, but who was also very adventurous, and walking the path of nature and energy, so that the yoga could be really embodied through cosmic awareness into such a high degree.

As I was always afraid of regulation and the yoga world per se, I kept it outside of the booklet. But then also you become a sort of wild figure, not really registrated and stuff.

Now, yesterday, I decided, as I didn't know where to go, to registrate myself at the yoga institutions (as I am enough qualified), and I am also figuring out whether my kind of teaching/teacher training does meet the standards of a registrated school. It is not that I find registration important, but I also don't want to miss it, because I feel rejected per se. When you offer quality, then registration must be possible or so...

Also I am into different kind of courses, to deepen out my knowledge and skills. I didn't use to do this, as I felt to proud on one hand, but also because I was always afraid, that making mistakes or doing things wrongly would somehow affect your reputation. But now, I am really experiencing Yoga from the inside out, to make me as a yogi more complete.

Then today, we talked about our relationship and sex life. I can tell funny stories about this in the waiting room of Rens, because more was going on, than the eye could see, but I can't tell, as it also encompasses other people. But I knew at the least that we were going to bring the relationship towards a higher plan.

When I just entered this room, the sexuality thing already opened pretty much in a new kind of more transcendental, but also animalistic way. When God Enters the room, while having sex things can explode. But then also, it was of function and 'Bingo!' you have a child. But, this doesn't mean I have understood enough about all of this. Because the baby also changes things in the hormones, and because M was really put into work, and your life becomes really ordinary as daily duty calls, it is easy to get really bored and die in the Landscape.

So, a few blogs ago, I was already shouting for adventure, I mean create a job that would go over the whole world and stuff. But actually, I guess, I was also looking at my own home situation, as well as work, as well as love relationship. It is so easy to lose yourself in pregnancy and don't do anything and put yourself into second place in regards to everyone...

So, in the waiting room, I decided to go to Tantra Yoga together. Off course with some person, which I trusted as teacher, and to go deeper into this sexuality stuff. First to make the chemic of the relationship better. But also, to heal everything in my pregnancy. I mean, I read from the school of the naturalists, that giving birth can be orgastic. This is so opposite of all the medical care and the way the medical world looks at it. And thirdly, I want to draw my yoga towards a higher plan.

I want to be thoroughly in the yoga and also form organically a route, where I can work with all kinds of people, with all kinds of questions and themes from the inside out, instead of from Higher Knowledge! So, I am pretty much content about this step, as it also enhances my spiritual growth and works at all sides.

Then after the test, I wanted to eat somewhere, which was nice. We have been so sober in the latest months, like nothing was possible anymore. And we drove towards the fourth place in the Landscape, within our municipality. We didn't already have opened this option, of this fourth place. Someone in business already advised me to direct myself into that place when it comes to manifesting your yoga. As the public resembles the Amsterdam public the most.

I found a nice place to have some dinner and a chat and on our way, I bumped into a clothing shop, and I immediately knew: 'I have to go in there'. I saw a vest, which was 100% me. It was beyond my budget, but still for sale and not too expensive. I knew that I could live in that. And I took off my old vest, which I had bought for some years ago for 3,- and I put the new vest on. I felt renovated on the outside, but also, it was symbolic for me, that a new phase of more abundance is opening. And I feel more adventurous to step outside of the comfort zone.

The office which I rented at this moment has a multi folded function.
I can give my consults there.
I see it as an office and I put the half of the inventory there, which doesn't fit our home.
M can also practice his massage over there.

But I also feel that a part of my work is going to be through outside adventures: moving towards this and that, doing your thing. And to travel outward, instead of staying in one place. Also I see a function for the internet, of doing my thing. But now first, I focus on 4 products, which form a vehicle for my work:

1. Godaya Yoga Classes and seeing where to put them, but I have to be honest: my belly is like a balloon and I am revalidating from all kinds of pregnancy stuff.

2. The Book: Welcome in the Land of God. Dutch & English. I guess that this will be a book, I will become more open about. For most of the former books I was a bit ashamed, but this was also because I didn't feel free to do, as there was still lots of dependency on the Movement itself, while I am now Provided more room and Space by God and Rens to do my thing and come into Movement. It is my assignment.

3. Godaya Yoga Teacher Training, with as a subproject, see if this fits itself for registration or not. It is a balance between finding the way through all kinds of rules, but also figure out, whether it meets your own autonomy and the New Movement in God.

4. Building towards something, coming from Godaya Yoga and the Land of God, which is more interactive, knows more interaction, and works on all kind of different themes together with others.

For this, I first need to find my sexuality.
Let's move forward in the Land of God.


Godaya

I must Be Healing Itself.

Yesterday, I didn't write.

First it was because of a deadline, where I am in the middle of something.
I was in a hurry, brave, moving forward, thinking: 'see you later guys!'

Then the weather changed. And some vulnerable part within me was opening,
and I didn't want to share this vulnerability, thinking: 'don't see you later guys!'.

The emotions and turmoil of the last week has been hefty and it rolls over all sides.
I don't know which is true. It also has to do with visiting Nijmegen tomorrow.

I left the room of Rens rather insecure, and I feel even more insecure all the time,
as if I am made even more open. How open, can openness be?

On one hand there is the drive towards manifestation, moving forward, being brave,
I know God Likes this side, but it has to be balanced out with all of me.

He also Takes this process of me getting a baby, the physical side of it, as a chance
to really fully heal from the inside out.

In God, the Goddess, I wrote about my deepest fears. They were about the physical
bodies. One of the reasons for never being ill or be self sustainable within my own health
had not to do with healing capacity. Yes, it did in a way, but also a deeper fear lying beneath,
which is the physical vulnerability.

This ain't so weird given my birth circumstances. How vulnerable could a baby be and then
be so open to whatever was playing!

I learned to be tough and to everything alone. I had to, there was no other way of doing it.
Now, I sometimes notice or are brought back to the piece within me that needs help,
but is also not trustworthy of the help. It grows little by little.

At the same time there are big plans for Doing this and Doing that. Building up an enterprise.
Both are true, but off course contradicting each other at this moment.

It is hard to find the real balance between 'Just Go for it!' and 'Listen to what your body says,
listen to the Landscape!' Also there is outside pressure and inner pressure, which contradict
even more.

On one hand, I was fed up with ... all of this. I was laying connections to the outside world,
for wanting to do this and that, as I was cocooning a little bit too much lately. I finally stepped
out of the comfort zone, away from isolation and really looking for adventure outdoors, in regards
to Yoga, to the Books and all kinds of things.

But at the same time, I looked at the facts. I don't even have a car, to come to the appointment.
All here is a little bit too far, to go for it. I must order my own taxi driver for everything. On one
hand you are quite thankful for this. On the other hand, there are not so much hours left to make
things possible. Even tomorrow in Nijmegen, I can only make it there for a short time. I don't even
know how to talk about what it is I wanna talk about, because otherwise, I don't have the ability
for transport! On the other hand, conversations between Rens and I don't make any point of understanding. We only bump into misunderstandings. So what is the deal of talking, when you
always disagree and misunderstand? I am not even angry anymore for having to pay money for
this fact, as I consider God to Be a Final and Rectifying judge.

I was yelling yesterday, to wanna have my own car, so now I am more orientating about this. This
is already one step towards independence, but it immediately off course triggers the manifestation
process: 'you have to go for money to buy and finance your car and for that you have to go on adventure'.

I am now looking for places also outside our Landscape, to make the things going, despite having
no car, because it somehow resonates more to what I do, where I am and where the people are.
So this is new! I like this new fact, as it makes me more outgoing, but indeed, the traffic, the car,
the mobility thing is utmost important. But also, the physical independence!

If I wanna make the TT working, I need to gain all the confidence in my body again. I am able to
perform miracle healings, but at the same time haunted by my past, by physical vulnerability. Somehow I need to enter the space of healing again, where I have always been, which I always
considered the most normal thing in this world. The doctors never could tell me anything. I was my
own healer. But it almost is, like God Puts me into a space of this vulnerability, to really make the
healing part within me very steady and more outbalanced, by letting me know what it feels like to
be ill or vulnerable on the physical plane.

It is my own imprisonment, but also my greatest treasure, to work this out through time. To consider
this as a gift. To not only know how easy it is, to heal. But also to open up more empathy for the people, cannot come beyond a certain point from where they are. And to become stable and confident in this. Not out of rejection, but out of full acceptation.

To let go of the total image of being physically and psychologically strong. But to also not lose it too much, so that you lose all focus on healing.

I must not Do the Healing, I must not Undo the Healing,
I must Be the Healing Self.
Not from toughness, but from vulnerability.
Did you know that God Is full of contradictions?


Godaya