G(r)owing on...

Hi All,

I hope you are doing fine.

I keep on g(r)owing on in the Land of God.
Yesterday was pretty unusual. I feel a little-bit like a punished child.
Self confident and at the same time insecure. It is both ways.
My child age is like the grown up can tell me what I am doing wrong, but I am not already giving in.
And that the Parent, in this case God, is lifting the shoulders, like: 'Ooow, if I would have known that this is raising children, grrr....I love them, but I also sometimes can put them behind the Wallpaper'. Maybe this is a Dutch Saying. Putting her behind the wall paper.
'Simba, you disappointed me!', 'Yes Dad'.
That kind of stuff.....

As at the same time Sexuality of God is playing, it might be even about the puber vs. the parent. I don't know. I was becoming rather recalcitrant lately, also towards Rens. I was taking a double role, playing politics. Feeling that the ground beneath my feet was disappearing. I was still holding on. I was speeching: 'I have a dream'. At the same time dark clouds were packing together. The filters of the new room weren't really working, and I have been sandwiched and caught up in horror. I guess it started around Saturday. I started to walk off track. I was a little bit naive. Everything is already written in the stars, I guess.

So when I was poisoned enough, God drew everything out of me yesterday. This was not nice, but I did pray for it, because some things were really amiss. I wasn't even aware about being punished after all. You are so caught up in the story. You only start to understand later. I stood in the kitchen, making myself a coffee. I prayed for a little bit more autonomy, as it was like I wasn't living my own life anymore. I was totally lived. I felt that other powers had taken over my life. I was captured. This was already starting Saturday and it became even worse on Sunday. I heard myself saying to Marvin: 'I am not here. Something, somebody has captured me'. As this comes in through many different factors, it is not one lead, through which you can say: 'That is it'. It comes from more sides, but it has the same theme. It doesn't really have to do with others. It has to do with g(r)owing on. The filters don't work and it finds you.

But, anyways, I was making my coffee, and then it was like God was going into my belly with a Physical Hand. God's Hand is really big. I fell onto the floor. He was grabbing something out of me, which was planted there on Saturday. It was so hurtful, like I was in an operation, where they forgot the narcose. On my knees I went to the toilet. My body got totally wet, and I really saw something in my belly moving. I don't want to sound here like the exorcist, but I sound here like the exorcist. It was like I saw an apple, or something alive in my belly and there was an Invisible Hand, wrenching it out of me. 'He there! Does someone have narcose in here????'. It was so hurtful. I didn't know whether I should be on the toilet or under the shower. I felt like a woman who just got raped. I wanted to lie in foetus, but my shower was too cold and small. It was really horrible. I was in totally panic and shock.

I ran back to my bedroom, grabbing the phone and then I ran back to the bathroom, as everything was leaving my body. I was mailing Rens. 'Help me'. But I guess that he already helped me, by operating me without the narcose, getting that thing out of me, and then I texted Marvin: 'You have to help me. I cannot talk right now. I cannot move myself'. He texted: 'Shall I call 112?'. In a split second: 'No!', you cannot explain this to 112.

This took one hour. Then I was able to walk myself into bed again, when Marvin came. The shock and panic had left my body. I was calm again, but I couldn't really talk. I was only bringing events lined back in the right perspective. I understood from A to Z.

I called off everyone who was willing to attend to the first night of the Yoga School. I felt so sorry to do this. Normally I am not sick. And in the meantime I was not sick anymore, so I felt guilty. With me, all sickness comes from really attacks in the unseen and then instantly the sickness manifests into my body, and as soon as the attacks are removed, then instantly I am healed. So that was not it. But I understood the bigger picture of what happened, and I really wanted to take some time to look at my flaws here, before running into the Yoga School. There is still a structural vulnerability in this room, which becomes a little bit more visible and real life. And I need to work on this vulnerability, make it stronger and from there I will work towards whatever must happen.

I know that the Yoga School must happen and I think I am going to start in the first week of January. Rens also said: 'See, where everything unfolds', like I was holding a package of different elements, building towards.... December would have worked on the power of the will, I am sure of it. But I want it to happen without the power of the will. I want it to happen naturally. That people are coming, because they feel called. Now, I feel that these same powers are against the Yoga School. And for now they have won. They don't want me to become self-sustainable, autonomous and themselves worthless. But I don't want to prove it to them out of will power. I want to show them how things are moving, when I don't do anything.

How about God? I ask God forgiveness for my sins, but at the same time I feel so loved. It felt like punishment, but actually God helped me. I was poisoned. It is too big to describe what is happening in the unseen. Some things are literally planted into you on purpose. Man is too small for that especially when the filters don't work. So I also must acknowledge my smallness here. Although I do not feel less loved, or less Divine. And at the same time, it gives me the courage and the power to struggle on. I want to become stronger and I want to overcome and win these powers. Although I hate these attacks, I want to become big enough to keep them away and to help others who are annoyed by this, without knowing. So in a way it is also didactical of God, what happens here and me being punished.

I almost feel like Harry Potter, but then not stimulating magical stuff, who goes to the years at school where things become serious and unveiled. Where enemies become big. I guess that exactly in this sentence lies the awe and wonder, which keep me attracted in the first place to these things that are happening. There is too much fuzz about it within me, too much excitement. This is probably one of the flaws that I need to face here. Something in me finds it too interesting, what is happening here. I always loved epics like Lord of the Ring and stuff. And it is really about destructing everything, seeing that all forms are unreal and that you are indeed very much walking around in the Boring Land of God, where Nothing Happens indeed. Where you have to embrace and love the emptiness until everybody forgets who you are and that you have walked into the desert at all.

I know....I know.... And at the same time I feel totally loved. I forgive myself this flaw. To be honest: Nothing really happens in that Land of God! I am looking for adventure. And through this punishment everything ended well indeed, as I was picked up by Marvin and cared for, while I was not really sick anymore but still was entitled to receive the Boons for sickness.

Godaya